The "D" Word

There are only a few conversations in life that can leave you feeling stripped of all you've known in a moment's time. The one I am most familiar with at this point in my life started with seven simple words:

Your dad asked me for a divorce.

No matter how dysfunctional the situation, no matter how expected it seems, no matter how old you are- there is nothing in this world that can prepare you for those words. For a moment, I wanted to laugh because I could hardly believe it was true. 27 years of marriage and he wants what?

There is no way of anticipating the toll that a decision like this will take on a family, but no one walks away unscathed. Most days it feels like we are walking through uncharted territory without the slightest clue of what will be lurking around the next bend.

If you have read my blog before you know that I do not typically share personal details of what I am going through, only what I am learning from the situation. This is different, though. Divorce is rampant in our country. Nearly everyone I know has been affected by divorce to some degree. It is painful, it is ugly and it is not what God intends for marriage.

Don't get me wrong- I have many friends and family members who have gone through divorce. I am in no way condemning anyone for that. God can bring healing and forgiveness. His Word says He will make our sins as white as snow (Isaiah 1:18). However, nobody can deny the repercussions divorce has on a family. This is merely my outlet to shine light on the struggles an adult child can have as a result.

The first hurdle I had to jump over was how to tell others. How do you bring something this huge up in conversation? Once I decided to face the awkwardness head on, I was met with something very surprising. People seem to have no problem telling you how you should handle your emotions. If you know someone who is dealing with divorce on any level and are unsure of what to say to them, let me spare you from wasted breath. Here are the top 3 things not to say:

1. This really has nothing to do with you. It's your parents' relationship and they deserve to be happy.
    Would you say this to a 7 year old in the same situation? Didn't think so. So why would you say it to an adult child? Divorce is a family affair. If a couple has children, it has everything to do with them. I am in my mid-twenties, but I am still their child. Of course they deserve to be happy, but happiness takes work sometimes. Relationships take work. You do not get to back out just because you are uncomfortable.

2. You need to just forgive and move on with your life.
    Forgiveness is a process. It does not happen overnight, and it does not erase any normal emotions I might be feeling. I have a right to be upset. I have a right to be angry. Healing from a wound this deep takes time. This is not a high school breakup, it is the breaking of a covenant made between two people and the Creator of the universe.

3. God will work everything out for the good.
    Of course He will! I have been walking with Him for over half my life now and He has never failed me once. I have no doubts that He will hold me together through this entire journey. I literally have the message of His faithfulness tattooed on me. I believe it with every fiber of my being. However, this is not the best thing (or even a good thing) to say to someone who is trying to process the aftermath of a divorce. It hurts. Yes, God works everything out for good (Romans 8:28-30). But that doesn't stop it from hurting.

I cannot even pretend that I have had it all together through this season. It has wrecked me. Yesterday marked the end of the 60 day wait period between signing divorce papers and the court date being set. I was a mess. I was happy and sad and angry. Mostly angry. I have spent countless hours over the last few months wondering why we weren't worth fighting for. What was wrong with us?

These are the things your kids think, but would never say to you.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you're thinking about leaving your family don't. No family is perfect. Stick it out if at all possible and invite Jesus' healing touch into your marriage and family. Nothing is worth trading the family that God gave you. Nothing in this world is more precious than your sons and daughters. Show them what it means to fight for your family. Teach your daughters how a lady should be treated. Show your sons what it means to be a man. Love them with your actions, not just your words. Treat your family with the respect they deserve. They are valuable.

 

Actions Speak Louder

"Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't." - Steve Maraboli

In life, there are things you can change and there are things you cannot change. God is constantly reminding me to release my desire to control my circumstances to Him. But what about the things I can change?

I have recently felt very burdened both emotionally and spiritually by some circumstances that are out of my control. (surprise surprise) Fortunately, this time around I have also been met with some things in my life that I can change. Having something constructive to focus on somehow helps ease the pain of being wronged. I am always looking for what God is trying to teach me through trials, and He couldn't have made it any more clear to me this time.

You see, I can't control what people do to me or the people I love. I can control how I react to it. I never want to be known as the girl who gave up without exhausting every option possible. I was once crippled by fear of what would happen if I rocked the boat, but my Father has freed me from that. I have been called to live with purpose- a life without fear of being let down.

 "In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about you."

Titus 2:7-8

In the end, your actions will speak louder than your words. There is really no way around it. Note that Paul says we are to "set an example by doing what is good" not "set an example by saying all the right things". If you love someone, by all means say it, but don't just say it! Show them that you love them. Ultimately that will be what they remember.

People are paying attention. Don't ever think they aren't. There have been so many times in my life that God has sent me a reminder that any choice I make could influence someone else. It breaks my heart to pieces to think that my actions could give others a license to do something wrong. God has called me to a higher standard. He has called me to live intentionally. I never want to lose sight of that.

As cliche as it may sound, I can't seem to stop thinking about a quote from Gladiator. "What we do in life echoes in eternity". I believe that with all my heart. You and I have the power of life and death in our hands. We can build someone up with our actions and words, and we can tear them down even easier. We have a choice. We can talk, or we can do.

“Trust only movement. Life happens at the level of events, not of words. Trust movement.”

-Alfred Adler

The Cure for the Pain

I'm not sure I can put into words the effect the last few months have had on me. My life has changed in so many ways- both for the good and the bad. I try to take each opportunity I am given to learn more about God as well as to learn more about myself. I am a firm believer that no one has "arrived", nor will we ever. I'm not afraid to face my faults and work on them.

Though I've always strived to find what God is trying to teach me in my circumstances, I've noticed lately that I seem to deprive myself of one very important thing: feeling. I think somewhere along the way I have stopped allowing myself to truly experience my emotions. As psycho-babblish as that might sound, I think it is really important. Somehow I've gotten the idea that admitting how much pain I'm in takes away from God's faithfulness. In reality, God created me with these feelings for a reason.

As I sat in church yesterday, I listened to my pastor discuss Psalm 77 and found that I really related to it. This particular psalm was written by a man named Asaph. In the first half of the chapter, Asaph pours his heart out before God. He is not afraid to admit to the pain he is in. He wonders where God is and if He has deserted him. Then, something amazing happens. Each line of the second half of this psalm recounts a time that God proved His faithfulness. Asaph experienced the deepest of sorrow, yet still trusted in God to deliver him.

I've prayed a prayer recently that may have been a dangerous one. I've asked God to help me feel again. I want to experience the richness of every circumstance He throws my way. My life has taken some unexpected turns lately that are both beautiful and terrifying at the same time. My first reaction to changes like this always seems to be anger. Anyone that knows me would tell you that I can be a firecracker. But in all reality, I have to learn to accept that I cannot control the choices of others. I can only control how I respond.

Today I'm choosing to move forward even if I don't have all the answers. I'm choosing to feel. I'm choosing to remember my Father's faithfulness.

Never Once

I am a woman who takes pride in practicing honesty. The last week or two I have been reflecting on 2011, and if I'm being completely honest, it has been the worst year of my life. This has been a year full of loss. In fact, it has been so full of loss that at times I can hardly keep all the stories straight. I have lost friends, relationships, and job opportunities. I have had my trust betrayed more times than I can count. My life looks incredibly different from what I expected it would.

This post is not intended to be a pity party, rather an honest reflection from a broken woman. As I was talking to my mom the other day, I told her that this year had been so devastating that I could hardly find the good in it. There have been times that I have felt like what I was going through was completely pointless. However, I am here to testify that my Father has never left my side. I have doubted everything surrounding me except for God's faithfulness. He never let me walk alone. When I became most weary, he carried me. When the path in front of me was pitch black, he lit my way step by step. This may seem like a very basic truth, but it has been hugely significant to me this year.

Personally, I am looking forward to 2012. I need something to change. I need a change of attitude; a change of heart. I need a year full of more gain than loss. Most importantly, I need to continue to hold my Father's hand. I have no idea what this year will have in store for me, but I know that God is "able to do exceeding abundantly beyond all that we ask or think" (Ephesians 3:20). I am standing firm on the belief that He will do that. No matter what happens, I know He will sustain me.

Mysteries to Be Unraveled

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a detective. My brother and I spent many an afternoon "spying" on people and taking notes about it. We would watch anyone! I clearly remember spying on my neighbor one afternoon and making a note of how weird it was that he was planting flowers in March. I even had an entire backpack full of my "spy gear" (which was really a bunch of useless junk). 

As funny as it is to think about my childhood ambitions, I still find myself playing detective sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I don't hide in the bushes in my backyard watching my neighbors plant flowers anymore. I do, however, want to know why things happen. I find myself constantly trying to figure out what I can learn from my circumstances. If things go badly, I want to know the reason. I want to know if there was something I can do differently in the future. More times than not, I can figure out what God was trying to teach me. 

I think the real conflict arises when I cannot figure out the purpose of events in my life. You know, those times when you ask God "why?" over and over and over again, but nothing makes sense. I want to learn something about myself at the very least. I want to grow and change and come a little bit closer to being the woman God wants me to be. 

Lately I have been wrestling with some situations that are out of my control (surprise surprise). But not only are they out of my control, I can't seem to get anything out of them. The other day, my mom suggested to me that these events may have actually happened for someone else. Maybe there wasn't necessarily anything for me to learn. That has been such a hard pill for me to swallow. I feel so selfish for struggling with that! I want things to fit in my nice, neat little boxes so badly.

The bottom line is this: I'm discovering that I may not always understand God's reasoning. As hard as that may be, I have to trust Him. I have to believe that He has a purpose. I have to be willing to give up my need to understand everything. That is SO hard for me, but I'm working on it. 

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." -John 16:33

A Heart in Need of Renovation

I have always loved God's Word, but lately He has sparked in me a new passion for it. He is working on my heart in ways words can hardly describe. In the midst of uncertainty, He has given me joy and peace. I came across a passage of Scripture this week that has absolutely been ripping me to shreds:

"Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, contributing to the needs of the saints, practicing hospitality." Romans 12:9-13

I have read these verses dozens of time, but for some reason when I read them this week it was as though I was reading them for the first time. I am to love others deeply and honestly. One of the lines that stood out to me the most was "give preference to one another in honor". How often do I do this? How often do I find myself making choices based on what will be best for me with little regard for others? Actions speak louder than words. I can tell someone I love them all day long, but it means so much more to show them. 

I am also called to "abhor what is evil; cling to what is good". Being a lover of words, I was interested in knowing the exact definition of "abhor". It means "to regard with extreme repugnance : loathe". Again, I have to examine my own heart. How often do I settle for mediocrity? Do I really loathe what is evil? 

I know this post is scattered. I know my thoughts could never do this passage justice, but I feel so compelled by the Spirit to write about it. I want my life to be branded by the words in these verses. I want to be a woman who is "not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, contributing to the needs of the saints, practicing hospitality." I want to love my brothers and sisters so intensely that there is no room for hypocrisy. I want to be a woman who gives others preference over myself. 

A Crown of Beauty Instead of Ashes

I often yearn for moments where God speaks so clearly to me that I can't ignore it. This morning, I had one of those moments. The weighty reality of my human nature came crashing down on me in ways that words can't describe. I was sitting in church like I do every week when God's voice spoke so clearly to me: "Lindsay, where has your focus been?"

You see, the last few weeks I have been struggling. I have felt so out of control. I've been angry and downright unpleasant to be around. I have reacted to situations in ways that are completely uncharacteristic of me. As I sat there wondering what had changed in my life, it dawned on me. My life started looking different when I took my focus off of Christ and began boasting in the fact that things were finally going my way for once.

Perhaps an even more painful wake-up call came when I began looking at how I've responded when things don't go my way. How quickly I fall apart when I have no control over my circumstances! It's embarrassing, really, to see how easily I let my sinful nature take over. My focus has changed and I haven't even realized it. 

In all reality, I have been in a season of harvest that was not of my own doing. Things began changing when I took my gaze off of my Father and began centering my life around the blessings He has bestowed on me. To make things even worse, I have found myself trying to handle my day-to-day life alone. As a result, my world comes crashing down when I lose control of my circumstances.

My heart breaks over how self-centered I have been lately. It is my deepest desire that God makes beauty out of these ashes I've created. Life should not be about how things are going for me. I have to take the focus off myself and place it on my Father. Words cannot express how thankful I am to Him for this revelation. I need to make Him the center of my life daily regardless of what is going on around me.

"When Thou didst say, 

'Seek my face,'

my heart said to Thee, 

'Thy face, O Lord, I shall seek.'" 

Psalm 27:8

"To provide for those who mourn in Zion;

to give them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,

festive oil instead of mourning,

and splendid clothes instead of despair. 

And they will be called righteous trees,

planted by the LORD,

to glorify Him."

Isaiah 61:3

"My soul, wait in silence for God only, 

for my hope is from Him. 

He only is my rock and my salvation,

my stronghold;

I shall not be shaken. 

On God my salvation and my glory rest;

the rock of my strength,

my refuge is in God. 

Trust in Him at all times, O people;

Pour out your heart before Him;

God is a refuge for us."

Psalm 62:5-8