Your dad asked me for a divorce.
No matter how dysfunctional the situation, no matter how expected it seems, no matter how old you are- there is nothing in this world that can prepare you for those words. For a moment, I wanted to laugh because I could hardly believe it was true. 27 years of marriage and he wants what?
There is no way of anticipating the toll that a decision like this will take on a family, but no one walks away unscathed. Most days it feels like we are walking through uncharted territory without the slightest clue of what will be lurking around the next bend.
If you have read my blog before you know that I do not typically share personal details of what I am going through, only what I am learning from the situation. This is different, though. Divorce is rampant in our country. Nearly everyone I know has been affected by divorce to some degree. It is painful, it is ugly and it is not what God intends for marriage.
Don't get me wrong- I have many friends and family members who have gone through divorce. I am in no way condemning anyone for that. God can bring healing and forgiveness. His Word says He will make our sins as white as snow (Isaiah 1:18). However, nobody can deny the repercussions divorce has on a family. This is merely my outlet to shine light on the struggles an adult child can have as a result.
The first hurdle I had to jump over was how to tell others. How do you bring something this huge up in conversation? Once I decided to face the awkwardness head on, I was met with something very surprising. People seem to have no problem telling you how you should handle your emotions. If you know someone who is dealing with divorce on any level and are unsure of what to say to them, let me spare you from wasted breath. Here are the top 3 things not to say:
1. This really has nothing to do with you. It's your parents' relationship and they deserve to be happy.
Would you say this to a 7 year old in the same situation? Didn't think so. So why would you say it to an adult child? Divorce is a family affair. If a couple has children, it has everything to do with them. I am in my mid-twenties, but I am still their child. Of course they deserve to be happy, but happiness takes work sometimes. Relationships take work. You do not get to back out just because you are uncomfortable.
2. You need to just forgive and move on with your life.
Forgiveness is a process. It does not happen overnight, and it does not erase any normal emotions I might be feeling. I have a right to be upset. I have a right to be angry. Healing from a wound this deep takes time. This is not a high school breakup, it is the breaking of a covenant made between two people and the Creator of the universe.
3. God will work everything out for the good.
Of course He will! I have been walking with Him for over half my life now and He has never failed me once. I have no doubts that He will hold me together through this entire journey. I literally have the message of His faithfulness tattooed on me. I believe it with every fiber of my being. However, this is not the best thing (or even a good thing) to say to someone who is trying to process the aftermath of a divorce. It hurts. Yes, God works everything out for good (Romans 8:28-30). But that doesn't stop it from hurting.
I cannot even pretend that I have had it all together through this season. It has wrecked me. Yesterday marked the end of the 60 day wait period between signing divorce papers and the court date being set. I was a mess. I was happy and sad and angry. Mostly angry. I have spent countless hours over the last few months wondering why we weren't worth fighting for. What was wrong with us?
These are the things your kids think, but would never say to you.
Ladies and gentlemen, if you're thinking about leaving your family don't. No family is perfect. Stick it out if at all possible and invite Jesus' healing touch into your marriage and family. Nothing is worth trading the family that God gave you. Nothing in this world is more precious than your sons and daughters. Show them what it means to fight for your family. Teach your daughters how a lady should be treated. Show your sons what it means to be a man. Love them with your actions, not just your words. Treat your family with the respect they deserve. They are valuable.
4 comments:
Lindsay, I've recently gone through the same thing with my parents.
It was maybe 3 or 4 years ago that my mom called me and said, "John, we need to talk for a minute..." My parents had their problems with one another, fighting and rolling their eyes at one another and things like that. I just figured that was how married people acted around one another. It seemed innocent enough to me.
She told me that she had told my dad that she wanted a divorce. Somehow before she uttered the words to me, I knew. I knew even though my parents had beat in to the ground that 'divorce is wrong' and they had told me all my life that they had made vows to each other for as long as they were on this planet, that they would stick by each other no matter what.
She said my dad responded to her request with a rather nasty comment that hurt her deeply. I know that none of us will ever forget his response - "it feels like a great weight has been lifted off of my shoulders."
Throughout the course of the next few months, even year, I spent a lot of time in an emotional struggle. I didn't know how to feel. I was angry, hurt, confused, guilty, ashamed, and worried. I worried how my parents would act around each other in the future. I blamed my mom for a long time. I found myself noticing my parents going through the same things - they would be angry, then indifferent, then happy with the decision, then depressed and the cycle repeated itself time and time again.
I know how you feel and it makes my heart feel heavy for you and your family.
I want to let you know, however, that as bad as this sucks and as strange and difficult the journey may be, it can be for the best in the end. It's a concept I've still found baffling - God's plan for marriage is eternal, yet even when a covenant is broken against His will, He can bless those involved and allow them to prosper despite their shortcomings. We all sin and make bad decisions, yet the grace of God is everlasting and abundant.
Try not to blame your parents for making this decision. It wasn't made lightly. It was likely made after months or perhaps even years of deliberation and internal struggle. Your parents have raised a wise daughter. I'm certain they possess a certain amount of wisdom themselves and the decision was not made lightly. This is something I struggled with for a long time, thinking of all the things that could have been done differently. It wasn't until later that I realized it was futile to waste my efforts on this type of thinking. My parents had already made up their minds.
I want to let you know that now, years later, my mom is remarried and my dad is still living in my childhood home, alone. Since there has been time for healing, my parents are on great terms with one another. My dad shakes the hand of the man who now calls my mother his wife. We all have dinner together during the holidays and it isn't awkward or a hostile environment. It's probably going to suck pretty bad for a while if this is new. The good news is that eventually the wounds will heal and if all involved work towards it, it can become a really great situation in the end. Both of my parents are happier now and through it all I'm thankful for it.
I wish you the best, Lindsay. God bless you.
I am SO sorry friend. That sucks. It really, really sucks and I'm sure the hurt is so deep. I'm up for coffee, chatting and hugging you anytime you need it. I also have a cute baby you can play with! We love you and I will be praying for you sweet friend. I'm also SO proud of you for writing this.
Hi Lindsay, it is sad that you and your family are having to go through this. But through it, I want to tell you that your writing is beautiful. You express your thoughts and feelings so clearly, so sincerely, and with such strength of faith. I pray for you as God will always hold you close, and that healing will come, for you and for all of your family. I want to read more of your past posts too... I imagine you will be a blessing and encouragement to others as they read and you open dialogue to share through this journey. I will pray for you Lindsay. :)
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