The Cure for the Pain

I'm not sure I can put into words the effect the last few months have had on me. My life has changed in so many ways- both for the good and the bad. I try to take each opportunity I am given to learn more about God as well as to learn more about myself. I am a firm believer that no one has "arrived", nor will we ever. I'm not afraid to face my faults and work on them.

Though I've always strived to find what God is trying to teach me in my circumstances, I've noticed lately that I seem to deprive myself of one very important thing: feeling. I think somewhere along the way I have stopped allowing myself to truly experience my emotions. As psycho-babblish as that might sound, I think it is really important. Somehow I've gotten the idea that admitting how much pain I'm in takes away from God's faithfulness. In reality, God created me with these feelings for a reason.

As I sat in church yesterday, I listened to my pastor discuss Psalm 77 and found that I really related to it. This particular psalm was written by a man named Asaph. In the first half of the chapter, Asaph pours his heart out before God. He is not afraid to admit to the pain he is in. He wonders where God is and if He has deserted him. Then, something amazing happens. Each line of the second half of this psalm recounts a time that God proved His faithfulness. Asaph experienced the deepest of sorrow, yet still trusted in God to deliver him.

I've prayed a prayer recently that may have been a dangerous one. I've asked God to help me feel again. I want to experience the richness of every circumstance He throws my way. My life has taken some unexpected turns lately that are both beautiful and terrifying at the same time. My first reaction to changes like this always seems to be anger. Anyone that knows me would tell you that I can be a firecracker. But in all reality, I have to learn to accept that I cannot control the choices of others. I can only control how I respond.

Today I'm choosing to move forward even if I don't have all the answers. I'm choosing to feel. I'm choosing to remember my Father's faithfulness.