"Do You Want to Get Well?"

When I left for Colorado two and a half weeks ago, I knew it would be an earth-shaking trip. We'd been planning it for months- deciding which cities to visit, finding condos and cabins, and coming up with activities to do each day. The planning process was so much fun to me! (Imagine that! Ha!) I went on the trip expecting to hear from God. After all, could there be any better place to hear from the Creator of the universe? Somehow I just knew I was going to hear from Him. I halfway expected it in the form of gaining direction in my career search, but what I got instead was far more valuable to me. 

One of the last days we were there, I woke up in an unusually down mood. If you know me well at all, you know it is pretty uncommon for me to feel quiet and sad. It all seemed to start when I woke up crying in the middle of the night. That afternoon, I spent a lot of time reflecting on the many events this year has held so far. To be completely honest, it left me feeling very frustrated. I couldn't figure out why I was having such a hard time with it. I thought God had healed me.

As I was getting ready to go out for the day, I began praying and thinking about the pain I was feeling. In a whisper so loud it was nearly audible I heard, "Daughter, do you want to get well?" I was startled. I generally hear the Lord through a still, small voice. This time, the words I heard were unmistakably His. In fact, Jesus asked the same thing of a man who could not walk (John 5). He knew I wanted it. He knew I wanted it so badly, but I told Him I did anyway. And then... Silence.

I left my room that day feeling discouraged, quiet, and vulnerable. In the days before this one I had been overwhelmed by such a sense of peace. But for some reason, I simply couldn't seem to shake the feeling of heaviness that day. Later on, my family and I decided to take a drive to see if we could spot some wildlife, but we ended up seeing something else. Though it had been cloudy and rainy all day, the sky had turned into a fiery hot pink backdrop to a perfect rainbow. It brought tears to my eyes. 

For years, God has allowed me to see a rainbow when I needed a reminder of His faithfulness the most. If I had been alone, I probably would have wept. Instead, I simply basked in the peace that washed over me for the first time that day, and silently thanked my Creator for that gift to me.

Lessons Learned by an Inexperienced Traveller

The beginning of 2011 marked the beginning of the biggest roller-coaster ride of my life. I didn't know it at the time, but I was getting ready to learn some lessons that were pretty hard to swallow. Here are a few of the things (both hard and not-so-hard) that I have learned so far.

1. When it comes to spaghetti, vodka sauce is really undeniably the best. But for how good it is, it is equally as hard to find one the whole family agrees on.

2. There are some things you just shouldn't say unless you are 100% sure you mean it.

3. For everything there is a season. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

4. Sometimes, God's plan and my plan aren't the same. His plan is always better.

5. When on Accutane, Chapstick, eye drops, and water become your best friend.

6. Sometimes, God wants you to leave when it would be easier to stay.

7. Macs are worth the money. I never thought I'd hear myself say that.
 

8. Never never NEVER pick a canister of grits up by the lid. Never.
 

9. There is no relationship- romantic or otherwise- that is worth losing a friend over.
 

10. God will meet you in the deepest, darkest valleys and carry you through. He is so faithful, and His love is steadfast beyond imagination. (Psalm 13:5-6)
 

11. Amy Grant's song "Takes a Little Time" is right on the money.
 

12. Chacos really ARE as amazing as everyone said... maybe more so.
 

13. My life happens in themes. This season's theme- "God builds into you during the wait" -Mike Harder.
 

14. Ginger tea is liquid magic, and Singer's Saving Grace throat spray absolutely lives up to its name.
 

15a. Be where you are, and be with who you're with. Life is far too valuable to be wasted on half-hearted relationships. 

15b. When your power is out for 6 days, you realize how much the simple things matter.

Five Loaves and Two Fish

Hello, my name is Lindsay and I am a planner.

There, I said it. I plan. I plan everything. I begin planning the route the second I realize I need to run more than one errand in a trip out. I plan my outfits days or even weeks in advance sometimes. I plan everything from what food I will eat for lunch (hours before its lunch time) to what color I will paint my toenails next week.

I've noticed something interesting about planning, though. Things don't always happen the way I have planned them to. You see, I don't only plan simple things like my route when I run errands... Until a few months ago, I had a pretty detailed plan laid out for the rest of my life. If we're being completely honest, my life looks nothing like I thought it was going to.

Don't get me wrong, that is not necessarily a bad thing! God has done MANY things in my life that never would have happened if things had gone the way I decided they should go. On the other hand, I have also mourned the loss of things I did not expect to lose- such as relationships I could not picture my life without. As I was talking with my mom earlier, she reminded me that there are some seasons in our life that we don't immediately see God's purpose for. I'm trying to learn to fully embrace that truth.

At church on Sunday, the message was on our "I don't know moments". For example, Jesus had a crowd of 5000 hungry people surrounding Him, and the disciples didn't know what to do about it. They even suggested that the crowd be sent away to buy their own food. But Jesus had something so much better in mind. He fed them with only five loaves of bread and two fish (Matthew 14:13-21). The disciples had to be willing to ask Jesus for help, and someone had to be willing to give Him all the food they had in order to see what He had in store for them.

Lately, I'm faced with a few "I don't know" situations... most of which are a result of things not going according to my plan. On Sunday, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have to give those situations to Jesus. I have to give it ALL to Him, even my life plan. I don't have a lot, much like the five loaves and two fish. Yet until I surrender it all to Jesus and ask for His help, I will never know what He has in store for me. It may be uncomfortable, but it will be so satisfying to know He's leading me all the way.

3

Yesterday, my mom and I were standing outside the Mac store at the mall discussing what would be the right computer for me when she said the dreaded words... "I don't know, babe. It's up to you."

Up to me? Up to ME? It is no secret that I hate making choices like that. I'd much rather someone say, "This is what you get", and then we go from there. I have no problem telling someone if I want something or not, I just don't like having lots of options. In fact, I have often had conversations with others stating that I'd rather have God send me a letter in the mail with instructions for my life. It would be so much easier that way, wouldn't it?

Needless to say, I love it when God speaks so directly to me that I can't ignore it. It's one of those rare things. Often my lessons are learned through mistakes, trials, or some circumstance out of my control. But today I was thinking through the things I have learned this week, and not only are they clear, they are specific.

The first thing God wants from me is vulnerability. I have a hard time with that sometimes. Expressing my opinion is really not a problem for me, but talking about feelings can be. It is uncomfortable sometimes. Not only that, opening myself up like that can bring outcomes that were both unexpected and unwanted. I'm trying to learn that it really isn't about the outcome I get. Vulnerability leads to deep relationships. I am so thankful I am aware of it, and I'm working on it.

The second thing God wants from me is intentionality. My mom was talking to me about that the other day. You really never know how big of a difference it can make to simply check in on someone, especially if that is something that has been missing in their life. I know I love the feeling when someone I haven't talked to in a while checks in to see how things are going. There are times when that has happened at exactly the moment I needed it, and the other person had no idea. I want to be that for somebody.

The last thing God wants from me surprised me. The previous two are issues I have thought about and dealt with before, but not this one. God wants me to keep my motives in check. At Ethos on Sunday, part of the message was about this very thing. Obedience should flow out of a deep relationship with and knowledge of God. I want everything I do to come from my love and devotion to Christ, not because it will look good to others.
"For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice,
the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings."
-Hosea 6:6

So these are the things God has laid on my heart lately. I hope other people can relate to me on this!

And if you are wondering... While it wasn't spelled out for me, I did make a decision on a computer... I went for the Mac :)

My Prayer in the Battle

If you have talked to me on a deeper level any time recently, you may have heard me say that I finally feel like myself again. As odd as this statement may seem, it is so true. I feel as though I have been away for a long time, and am finally coming back. I am not the kind of person that generally says things like that, and when I do say it, it is with good reason.

You see, the first few months of 2011 were a struggle for me. Perhaps the word "struggle" doesn't do those long months justice... My life was an all-out war. It would be no exaggeration to say that I have never experienced a battle as severe as that one in my entire life. The circumstances of those seemingly endless months caused some serious doubt and confusion. Now don't get me wrong, I never doubted God's sovereignty and goodness. It was quite the contrary- I remember telling one of my good friends that through it all I had seen His faithfulness over and over. Instead, I doubted everyone around me. I doubted those who I believed to be my true friends, which in turn caused me to doubt myself.

I am a very social person. I get unexplainable joy from spending time with other people laughing or having heart-to-hearts. During this season of my life, however, I saw that change in me. Wherever I was- church, class, or Walmart (or anywhere else for that matter)- I just wanted to get in and out as fast as possible. I was filled with a deep, resounding sorrow that I can't even begin to explain. I didn't want to write, as much as I love it. My passion for singing was also diminishing. I was being forced into making choices that I felt I was not yet prepared to make, most of which were lose-lose. I could not even begin to wrap my mind around the things that were happening to me. I just felt lost. There is really no other way to describe it.

I came across a verse the other day which so clearly describes the way I felt:
"I would have despaired
unless I had believed that
I would see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living."
Psalm 27:13

A couple of months ago, one of my professors was talking about that very thing. She said that even in the darkest of valleys, we needed to search for the "gold nugget". This statement deeply moved me and caused me to reflect on my situation. I began to realize that though I had been surrounded by darkness for so long and could not see the next step, my Father was leading me by the hand. For every situation that seemed to be more than I could handle, He gave me the strength I needed. He taught me to trust Him even with the things I couldn't understand a bit. I have learned so much about myself and so much about who God is through that season of my life.

At the time, I was far from thankful for my circumstances. In fact, on multiple occasions I found myself literally telling God "I don't need this!" I felt like I was going through purposeless pain. But looking back, I see the glimmers of hope He gave me. I was able to hold His hand the entire way. I am so thankful for His faithfulness. He has truly brought me through and filled me with such joy and peace.

"I will bless the LORD at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul will make its boast in the LORD;
The humble will hear it and rejoice.
O magnify the LORD with me,
And let us exalt His name together.
I sought the LORD, and He answered me,
And delivered me from all my fears."
Psalm 34:1-4

"He brought me forth also into a broad place;
He rescued me, because He delighted in me."
Psalm 18:19

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

...with little or nothing in between.

i'm not really sure what it is about this time of year that makes me reflect so much. perhaps its the feeling of closing a chapter and opening a new one- a year full of blank pages to fill with precious time with the Lord, family, adventures, unfamiliar experiences, and both new and old friends. as i look back on this year, i can honestly say that my life looks nothing like i thought it would. i've had experiences i never dreamed i would have. i have tried things i never thought i would be interested in trying. i have relationships that i honestly wouldn't trade anything in the world for. most importantly, i have learned so much about who i am and who God is. He has shown me over and over how perfect He is and how much He loves me despite my imperfection.

in the past, i have dedicated a verse for the upcoming year, but i didn't choose one at the beginning of 2010. however, when i look back on the year, i recognize the verse that has been the theme of it:

"now to Him who is able to do exceeding abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us." -ephesians 3:20 (nasb)

i have honestly prayed that verse nearly every day this year, and i have seen God do exceeding abundantly beyond all i could ask or think over and over again.

i have no idea what the Lord has in store for me in 2011, but i can't wait to find out. this year has been the craziest, most up-and-down year of my life and there has been very little in between the highs and lows. but my Father has held my hand the entire way. so perhaps i should rephrase my previous statement. it was the best of times, it was the worst of times, with little or nothing in between... and my God is bigger than all of it.

learning to let go.

i can be so dense at times. it seems that God is constantly trying to show me things, but it takes multiple lessons before i "get it". and even then, i wrestle, i question, and i fail; only to ask my Father to help me learn the lesson again. i want to have the power, i want to know the outcome of a season in my life before i even walk through it. nearly two weeks ago, i came to the realization that i have been utterly consumed with what can only be described as control. its hard to trust sometimes, though it shouldn't be. my Father, the God of the universe, has my best interest at heart. it doesn't always look the way i think it should, but in the end it is always better than i could have imagined.

something in me broke a couple of weeks ago. i was feeling stressed, overwhelmed, and anxious over things i have no control of. in a whisper so clear, i felt God say, "daughter, give it to Me." for the first time in weeks, i willingly handed it to Him. i felt my soul breathe a sigh of relief, and a wave of peace washed over me. even now, sitting in a semi-crowded computer lab, i am tearing up with joy. i don't have to carry it! for the first time in so long, i feel like i can breathe again. i am so thankful to have a Father who walks with me and loves me despite all my shortcomings.

"Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:28-31