If you have talked to me on a deeper level any time recently, you may have heard me say that I finally feel like myself again. As odd as this statement may seem, it is so true. I feel as though I have been away for a long time, and am finally coming back. I am not the kind of person that generally says things like that, and when I do say it, it is with good reason.
You see, the first few months of 2011 were a struggle for me. Perhaps the word "struggle" doesn't do those long months justice... My life was an all-out war. It would be no exaggeration to say that I have never experienced a battle as severe as that one in my entire life. The circumstances of those seemingly endless months caused some serious doubt and confusion. Now don't get me wrong, I never doubted God's sovereignty and goodness. It was quite the contrary- I remember telling one of my good friends that through it all I had seen His faithfulness over and over. Instead, I doubted everyone around me. I doubted those who I believed to be my true friends, which in turn caused me to doubt myself.
I am a very social person. I get unexplainable joy from spending time with other people laughing or having heart-to-hearts. During this season of my life, however, I saw that change in me. Wherever I was- church, class, or Walmart (or anywhere else for that matter)- I just wanted to get in and out as fast as possible. I was filled with a deep, resounding sorrow that I can't even begin to explain. I didn't want to write, as much as I love it. My passion for singing was also diminishing. I was being forced into making choices that I felt I was not yet prepared to make, most of which were lose-lose. I could not even begin to wrap my mind around the things that were happening to me. I just felt lost. There is really no other way to describe it.
I came across a verse the other day which so clearly describes the way I felt:
"I would have despaired
unless I had believed that
I would see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living."
Psalm 27:13
A couple of months ago, one of my professors was talking about that very thing. She said that even in the darkest of valleys, we needed to search for the "gold nugget". This statement deeply moved me and caused me to reflect on my situation. I began to realize that though I had been surrounded by darkness for so long and could not see the next step, my Father was leading me by the hand. For every situation that seemed to be more than I could handle, He gave me the strength I needed. He taught me to trust Him even with the things I couldn't understand a bit. I have learned so much about myself and so much about who God is through that season of my life.
At the time, I was far from thankful for my circumstances. In fact, on multiple occasions I found myself literally telling God "I don't need this!" I felt like I was going through purposeless pain. But looking back, I see the glimmers of hope He gave me. I was able to hold His hand the entire way. I am so thankful for His faithfulness. He has truly brought me through and filled me with such joy and peace.
"I will bless the LORD at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul will make its boast in the LORD;
The humble will hear it and rejoice.
O magnify the LORD with me,
And let us exalt His name together.
I sought the LORD, and He answered me,
And delivered me from all my fears."
Psalm 34:1-4
"He brought me forth also into a broad place;
He rescued me, because He delighted in me."
Psalm 18:19
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