A Heart in Need of Renovation

I have always loved God's Word, but lately He has sparked in me a new passion for it. He is working on my heart in ways words can hardly describe. In the midst of uncertainty, He has given me joy and peace. I came across a passage of Scripture this week that has absolutely been ripping me to shreds:

"Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, contributing to the needs of the saints, practicing hospitality." Romans 12:9-13

I have read these verses dozens of time, but for some reason when I read them this week it was as though I was reading them for the first time. I am to love others deeply and honestly. One of the lines that stood out to me the most was "give preference to one another in honor". How often do I do this? How often do I find myself making choices based on what will be best for me with little regard for others? Actions speak louder than words. I can tell someone I love them all day long, but it means so much more to show them. 

I am also called to "abhor what is evil; cling to what is good". Being a lover of words, I was interested in knowing the exact definition of "abhor". It means "to regard with extreme repugnance : loathe". Again, I have to examine my own heart. How often do I settle for mediocrity? Do I really loathe what is evil? 

I know this post is scattered. I know my thoughts could never do this passage justice, but I feel so compelled by the Spirit to write about it. I want my life to be branded by the words in these verses. I want to be a woman who is "not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, contributing to the needs of the saints, practicing hospitality." I want to love my brothers and sisters so intensely that there is no room for hypocrisy. I want to be a woman who gives others preference over myself. 

A Crown of Beauty Instead of Ashes

I often yearn for moments where God speaks so clearly to me that I can't ignore it. This morning, I had one of those moments. The weighty reality of my human nature came crashing down on me in ways that words can't describe. I was sitting in church like I do every week when God's voice spoke so clearly to me: "Lindsay, where has your focus been?"

You see, the last few weeks I have been struggling. I have felt so out of control. I've been angry and downright unpleasant to be around. I have reacted to situations in ways that are completely uncharacteristic of me. As I sat there wondering what had changed in my life, it dawned on me. My life started looking different when I took my focus off of Christ and began boasting in the fact that things were finally going my way for once.

Perhaps an even more painful wake-up call came when I began looking at how I've responded when things don't go my way. How quickly I fall apart when I have no control over my circumstances! It's embarrassing, really, to see how easily I let my sinful nature take over. My focus has changed and I haven't even realized it. 

In all reality, I have been in a season of harvest that was not of my own doing. Things began changing when I took my gaze off of my Father and began centering my life around the blessings He has bestowed on me. To make things even worse, I have found myself trying to handle my day-to-day life alone. As a result, my world comes crashing down when I lose control of my circumstances.

My heart breaks over how self-centered I have been lately. It is my deepest desire that God makes beauty out of these ashes I've created. Life should not be about how things are going for me. I have to take the focus off myself and place it on my Father. Words cannot express how thankful I am to Him for this revelation. I need to make Him the center of my life daily regardless of what is going on around me.

"When Thou didst say, 

'Seek my face,'

my heart said to Thee, 

'Thy face, O Lord, I shall seek.'" 

Psalm 27:8

"To provide for those who mourn in Zion;

to give them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,

festive oil instead of mourning,

and splendid clothes instead of despair. 

And they will be called righteous trees,

planted by the LORD,

to glorify Him."

Isaiah 61:3

"My soul, wait in silence for God only, 

for my hope is from Him. 

He only is my rock and my salvation,

my stronghold;

I shall not be shaken. 

On God my salvation and my glory rest;

the rock of my strength,

my refuge is in God. 

Trust in Him at all times, O people;

Pour out your heart before Him;

God is a refuge for us."

Psalm 62:5-8

To Know and Be Known

This weekend was very healing for me. It could not have come at a more perfect time in my life. After struggling through a week full of anxiety and stress, I was looking forward to spending some time with a few of my dearest friends. One of my best friends is getting married in a few short weeks, and we were getting together for her bachelorette party. Even in the midst of all the excitement, I was thrilled to have a few minutes to really talk with some of the girls.

It seems like God has us all struggling with the same things at the same time. Our conversation that night turned to a particular theme several times: there is a difference between knowing someone and really knowing someone. My best friends and I have such a rare connection with one another, yet we find ourselves in completely different cities more often than not. It is so easy to spend time with people and still feel completely alone. Some people would say laughter is the best medicine, but I beg to differ. For me (and I think I also speak for most of my close friends), the best feeling in the world is knowing someone and being known by them.

Sometimes it's hard to have my best friends scattered all over the country. Our time apart makes me appreciate our time together so much more. But I was reminded of something so important at church yesterday morning. No matter how much I miss them, and no matter how rare it is to find someone who wants to truly know me, my Father desires me. He cherishes me. He wants to know every part of me- the good, the bad, and the ugly. That is such a comfort in such a time as this.

Lessons Learned from a Puppy Named Ellie

This week, we got a puppy. Ellie was sweetest, cutest, most precious little puppy you will ever meet. Unfortunately, our dog Gordon didn't think so. After two short days, we had to take her straight back to the adoption agency we got her from. It was simply the best decision for both dogs. 

I wont lie, I could hardly hold it together when I handed her back to the lady at the shelter. I cried my eyes out the second I got back in my car to make the long drive home. It might sound silly, but I already felt so attached to her! I am, admittedly, very tender-hearted towards animals... and this situation was no exception! For months (years, really) I have wanted a puppy. I was so excited when we decided this was the right time for our family to get one. I'd planned to take road trips and visit friends with her before we even picked her up.

It dawned on me today that this grief was a little deeper than being sad to give a puppy up. It related so directly to things I have been struggling with for months now. The whole scenario represented giving up my plans. My mom said something so simple, yet so profound to me today: "I think God had a reason for not letting it work out". Interesting.

In that moment, I realized that while I loved that little puppy, we made the right decision. My sadness was far more about the loss of my vision for the future. God has been trying to break me of my desire to control the future all year. This was simply another opportunity to learn. 

Its hard. I never want this lesson to sound cliche. Though it may seem simple, it is something I wrestle with every day. I am so far from perfect, and I still hand God my to-do list: complete with detailed plans for my life. He never fails to show me that my plans are complete rubbish when compared to His plan for me.

So today, instead of sadness, I am choosing to be thankful for that sweet puppy. Her brief presence in my life was a reminder that sometimes God's ways are not my ways... And when it doesn't work out, He has a reason for it.

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.

And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.

For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so my ways are higher than your ways

and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55:8-9

"Do You Want to Get Well?"

When I left for Colorado two and a half weeks ago, I knew it would be an earth-shaking trip. We'd been planning it for months- deciding which cities to visit, finding condos and cabins, and coming up with activities to do each day. The planning process was so much fun to me! (Imagine that! Ha!) I went on the trip expecting to hear from God. After all, could there be any better place to hear from the Creator of the universe? Somehow I just knew I was going to hear from Him. I halfway expected it in the form of gaining direction in my career search, but what I got instead was far more valuable to me. 

One of the last days we were there, I woke up in an unusually down mood. If you know me well at all, you know it is pretty uncommon for me to feel quiet and sad. It all seemed to start when I woke up crying in the middle of the night. That afternoon, I spent a lot of time reflecting on the many events this year has held so far. To be completely honest, it left me feeling very frustrated. I couldn't figure out why I was having such a hard time with it. I thought God had healed me.

As I was getting ready to go out for the day, I began praying and thinking about the pain I was feeling. In a whisper so loud it was nearly audible I heard, "Daughter, do you want to get well?" I was startled. I generally hear the Lord through a still, small voice. This time, the words I heard were unmistakably His. In fact, Jesus asked the same thing of a man who could not walk (John 5). He knew I wanted it. He knew I wanted it so badly, but I told Him I did anyway. And then... Silence.

I left my room that day feeling discouraged, quiet, and vulnerable. In the days before this one I had been overwhelmed by such a sense of peace. But for some reason, I simply couldn't seem to shake the feeling of heaviness that day. Later on, my family and I decided to take a drive to see if we could spot some wildlife, but we ended up seeing something else. Though it had been cloudy and rainy all day, the sky had turned into a fiery hot pink backdrop to a perfect rainbow. It brought tears to my eyes. 

For years, God has allowed me to see a rainbow when I needed a reminder of His faithfulness the most. If I had been alone, I probably would have wept. Instead, I simply basked in the peace that washed over me for the first time that day, and silently thanked my Creator for that gift to me.

Lessons Learned by an Inexperienced Traveller

The beginning of 2011 marked the beginning of the biggest roller-coaster ride of my life. I didn't know it at the time, but I was getting ready to learn some lessons that were pretty hard to swallow. Here are a few of the things (both hard and not-so-hard) that I have learned so far.

1. When it comes to spaghetti, vodka sauce is really undeniably the best. But for how good it is, it is equally as hard to find one the whole family agrees on.

2. There are some things you just shouldn't say unless you are 100% sure you mean it.

3. For everything there is a season. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

4. Sometimes, God's plan and my plan aren't the same. His plan is always better.

5. When on Accutane, Chapstick, eye drops, and water become your best friend.

6. Sometimes, God wants you to leave when it would be easier to stay.

7. Macs are worth the money. I never thought I'd hear myself say that.
 

8. Never never NEVER pick a canister of grits up by the lid. Never.
 

9. There is no relationship- romantic or otherwise- that is worth losing a friend over.
 

10. God will meet you in the deepest, darkest valleys and carry you through. He is so faithful, and His love is steadfast beyond imagination. (Psalm 13:5-6)
 

11. Amy Grant's song "Takes a Little Time" is right on the money.
 

12. Chacos really ARE as amazing as everyone said... maybe more so.
 

13. My life happens in themes. This season's theme- "God builds into you during the wait" -Mike Harder.
 

14. Ginger tea is liquid magic, and Singer's Saving Grace throat spray absolutely lives up to its name.
 

15a. Be where you are, and be with who you're with. Life is far too valuable to be wasted on half-hearted relationships. 

15b. When your power is out for 6 days, you realize how much the simple things matter.

Five Loaves and Two Fish

Hello, my name is Lindsay and I am a planner.

There, I said it. I plan. I plan everything. I begin planning the route the second I realize I need to run more than one errand in a trip out. I plan my outfits days or even weeks in advance sometimes. I plan everything from what food I will eat for lunch (hours before its lunch time) to what color I will paint my toenails next week.

I've noticed something interesting about planning, though. Things don't always happen the way I have planned them to. You see, I don't only plan simple things like my route when I run errands... Until a few months ago, I had a pretty detailed plan laid out for the rest of my life. If we're being completely honest, my life looks nothing like I thought it was going to.

Don't get me wrong, that is not necessarily a bad thing! God has done MANY things in my life that never would have happened if things had gone the way I decided they should go. On the other hand, I have also mourned the loss of things I did not expect to lose- such as relationships I could not picture my life without. As I was talking with my mom earlier, she reminded me that there are some seasons in our life that we don't immediately see God's purpose for. I'm trying to learn to fully embrace that truth.

At church on Sunday, the message was on our "I don't know moments". For example, Jesus had a crowd of 5000 hungry people surrounding Him, and the disciples didn't know what to do about it. They even suggested that the crowd be sent away to buy their own food. But Jesus had something so much better in mind. He fed them with only five loaves of bread and two fish (Matthew 14:13-21). The disciples had to be willing to ask Jesus for help, and someone had to be willing to give Him all the food they had in order to see what He had in store for them.

Lately, I'm faced with a few "I don't know" situations... most of which are a result of things not going according to my plan. On Sunday, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have to give those situations to Jesus. I have to give it ALL to Him, even my life plan. I don't have a lot, much like the five loaves and two fish. Yet until I surrender it all to Jesus and ask for His help, I will never know what He has in store for me. It may be uncomfortable, but it will be so satisfying to know He's leading me all the way.