The "D" Word

There are only a few conversations in life that can leave you feeling stripped of all you've known in a moment's time. The one I am most familiar with at this point in my life started with seven simple words:

Your dad asked me for a divorce.

No matter how dysfunctional the situation, no matter how expected it seems, no matter how old you are- there is nothing in this world that can prepare you for those words. For a moment, I wanted to laugh because I could hardly believe it was true. 27 years of marriage and he wants what?

There is no way of anticipating the toll that a decision like this will take on a family, but no one walks away unscathed. Most days it feels like we are walking through uncharted territory without the slightest clue of what will be lurking around the next bend.

If you have read my blog before you know that I do not typically share personal details of what I am going through, only what I am learning from the situation. This is different, though. Divorce is rampant in our country. Nearly everyone I know has been affected by divorce to some degree. It is painful, it is ugly and it is not what God intends for marriage.

Don't get me wrong- I have many friends and family members who have gone through divorce. I am in no way condemning anyone for that. God can bring healing and forgiveness. His Word says He will make our sins as white as snow (Isaiah 1:18). However, nobody can deny the repercussions divorce has on a family. This is merely my outlet to shine light on the struggles an adult child can have as a result.

The first hurdle I had to jump over was how to tell others. How do you bring something this huge up in conversation? Once I decided to face the awkwardness head on, I was met with something very surprising. People seem to have no problem telling you how you should handle your emotions. If you know someone who is dealing with divorce on any level and are unsure of what to say to them, let me spare you from wasted breath. Here are the top 3 things not to say:

1. This really has nothing to do with you. It's your parents' relationship and they deserve to be happy.
    Would you say this to a 7 year old in the same situation? Didn't think so. So why would you say it to an adult child? Divorce is a family affair. If a couple has children, it has everything to do with them. I am in my mid-twenties, but I am still their child. Of course they deserve to be happy, but happiness takes work sometimes. Relationships take work. You do not get to back out just because you are uncomfortable.

2. You need to just forgive and move on with your life.
    Forgiveness is a process. It does not happen overnight, and it does not erase any normal emotions I might be feeling. I have a right to be upset. I have a right to be angry. Healing from a wound this deep takes time. This is not a high school breakup, it is the breaking of a covenant made between two people and the Creator of the universe.

3. God will work everything out for the good.
    Of course He will! I have been walking with Him for over half my life now and He has never failed me once. I have no doubts that He will hold me together through this entire journey. I literally have the message of His faithfulness tattooed on me. I believe it with every fiber of my being. However, this is not the best thing (or even a good thing) to say to someone who is trying to process the aftermath of a divorce. It hurts. Yes, God works everything out for good (Romans 8:28-30). But that doesn't stop it from hurting.

I cannot even pretend that I have had it all together through this season. It has wrecked me. Yesterday marked the end of the 60 day wait period between signing divorce papers and the court date being set. I was a mess. I was happy and sad and angry. Mostly angry. I have spent countless hours over the last few months wondering why we weren't worth fighting for. What was wrong with us?

These are the things your kids think, but would never say to you.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you're thinking about leaving your family don't. No family is perfect. Stick it out if at all possible and invite Jesus' healing touch into your marriage and family. Nothing is worth trading the family that God gave you. Nothing in this world is more precious than your sons and daughters. Show them what it means to fight for your family. Teach your daughters how a lady should be treated. Show your sons what it means to be a man. Love them with your actions, not just your words. Treat your family with the respect they deserve. They are valuable.

 

Actions Speak Louder

"Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't." - Steve Maraboli

In life, there are things you can change and there are things you cannot change. God is constantly reminding me to release my desire to control my circumstances to Him. But what about the things I can change?

I have recently felt very burdened both emotionally and spiritually by some circumstances that are out of my control. (surprise surprise) Fortunately, this time around I have also been met with some things in my life that I can change. Having something constructive to focus on somehow helps ease the pain of being wronged. I am always looking for what God is trying to teach me through trials, and He couldn't have made it any more clear to me this time.

You see, I can't control what people do to me or the people I love. I can control how I react to it. I never want to be known as the girl who gave up without exhausting every option possible. I was once crippled by fear of what would happen if I rocked the boat, but my Father has freed me from that. I have been called to live with purpose- a life without fear of being let down.

 "In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about you."

Titus 2:7-8

In the end, your actions will speak louder than your words. There is really no way around it. Note that Paul says we are to "set an example by doing what is good" not "set an example by saying all the right things". If you love someone, by all means say it, but don't just say it! Show them that you love them. Ultimately that will be what they remember.

People are paying attention. Don't ever think they aren't. There have been so many times in my life that God has sent me a reminder that any choice I make could influence someone else. It breaks my heart to pieces to think that my actions could give others a license to do something wrong. God has called me to a higher standard. He has called me to live intentionally. I never want to lose sight of that.

As cliche as it may sound, I can't seem to stop thinking about a quote from Gladiator. "What we do in life echoes in eternity". I believe that with all my heart. You and I have the power of life and death in our hands. We can build someone up with our actions and words, and we can tear them down even easier. We have a choice. We can talk, or we can do.

“Trust only movement. Life happens at the level of events, not of words. Trust movement.”

-Alfred Adler