Never Once

I am a woman who takes pride in practicing honesty. The last week or two I have been reflecting on 2011, and if I'm being completely honest, it has been the worst year of my life. This has been a year full of loss. In fact, it has been so full of loss that at times I can hardly keep all the stories straight. I have lost friends, relationships, and job opportunities. I have had my trust betrayed more times than I can count. My life looks incredibly different from what I expected it would.

This post is not intended to be a pity party, rather an honest reflection from a broken woman. As I was talking to my mom the other day, I told her that this year had been so devastating that I could hardly find the good in it. There have been times that I have felt like what I was going through was completely pointless. However, I am here to testify that my Father has never left my side. I have doubted everything surrounding me except for God's faithfulness. He never let me walk alone. When I became most weary, he carried me. When the path in front of me was pitch black, he lit my way step by step. This may seem like a very basic truth, but it has been hugely significant to me this year.

Personally, I am looking forward to 2012. I need something to change. I need a change of attitude; a change of heart. I need a year full of more gain than loss. Most importantly, I need to continue to hold my Father's hand. I have no idea what this year will have in store for me, but I know that God is "able to do exceeding abundantly beyond all that we ask or think" (Ephesians 3:20). I am standing firm on the belief that He will do that. No matter what happens, I know He will sustain me.

Mysteries to Be Unraveled

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a detective. My brother and I spent many an afternoon "spying" on people and taking notes about it. We would watch anyone! I clearly remember spying on my neighbor one afternoon and making a note of how weird it was that he was planting flowers in March. I even had an entire backpack full of my "spy gear" (which was really a bunch of useless junk). 

As funny as it is to think about my childhood ambitions, I still find myself playing detective sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I don't hide in the bushes in my backyard watching my neighbors plant flowers anymore. I do, however, want to know why things happen. I find myself constantly trying to figure out what I can learn from my circumstances. If things go badly, I want to know the reason. I want to know if there was something I can do differently in the future. More times than not, I can figure out what God was trying to teach me. 

I think the real conflict arises when I cannot figure out the purpose of events in my life. You know, those times when you ask God "why?" over and over and over again, but nothing makes sense. I want to learn something about myself at the very least. I want to grow and change and come a little bit closer to being the woman God wants me to be. 

Lately I have been wrestling with some situations that are out of my control (surprise surprise). But not only are they out of my control, I can't seem to get anything out of them. The other day, my mom suggested to me that these events may have actually happened for someone else. Maybe there wasn't necessarily anything for me to learn. That has been such a hard pill for me to swallow. I feel so selfish for struggling with that! I want things to fit in my nice, neat little boxes so badly.

The bottom line is this: I'm discovering that I may not always understand God's reasoning. As hard as that may be, I have to trust Him. I have to believe that He has a purpose. I have to be willing to give up my need to understand everything. That is SO hard for me, but I'm working on it. 

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." -John 16:33

A Heart in Need of Renovation

I have always loved God's Word, but lately He has sparked in me a new passion for it. He is working on my heart in ways words can hardly describe. In the midst of uncertainty, He has given me joy and peace. I came across a passage of Scripture this week that has absolutely been ripping me to shreds:

"Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, contributing to the needs of the saints, practicing hospitality." Romans 12:9-13

I have read these verses dozens of time, but for some reason when I read them this week it was as though I was reading them for the first time. I am to love others deeply and honestly. One of the lines that stood out to me the most was "give preference to one another in honor". How often do I do this? How often do I find myself making choices based on what will be best for me with little regard for others? Actions speak louder than words. I can tell someone I love them all day long, but it means so much more to show them. 

I am also called to "abhor what is evil; cling to what is good". Being a lover of words, I was interested in knowing the exact definition of "abhor". It means "to regard with extreme repugnance : loathe". Again, I have to examine my own heart. How often do I settle for mediocrity? Do I really loathe what is evil? 

I know this post is scattered. I know my thoughts could never do this passage justice, but I feel so compelled by the Spirit to write about it. I want my life to be branded by the words in these verses. I want to be a woman who is "not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, contributing to the needs of the saints, practicing hospitality." I want to love my brothers and sisters so intensely that there is no room for hypocrisy. I want to be a woman who gives others preference over myself. 

A Crown of Beauty Instead of Ashes

I often yearn for moments where God speaks so clearly to me that I can't ignore it. This morning, I had one of those moments. The weighty reality of my human nature came crashing down on me in ways that words can't describe. I was sitting in church like I do every week when God's voice spoke so clearly to me: "Lindsay, where has your focus been?"

You see, the last few weeks I have been struggling. I have felt so out of control. I've been angry and downright unpleasant to be around. I have reacted to situations in ways that are completely uncharacteristic of me. As I sat there wondering what had changed in my life, it dawned on me. My life started looking different when I took my focus off of Christ and began boasting in the fact that things were finally going my way for once.

Perhaps an even more painful wake-up call came when I began looking at how I've responded when things don't go my way. How quickly I fall apart when I have no control over my circumstances! It's embarrassing, really, to see how easily I let my sinful nature take over. My focus has changed and I haven't even realized it. 

In all reality, I have been in a season of harvest that was not of my own doing. Things began changing when I took my gaze off of my Father and began centering my life around the blessings He has bestowed on me. To make things even worse, I have found myself trying to handle my day-to-day life alone. As a result, my world comes crashing down when I lose control of my circumstances.

My heart breaks over how self-centered I have been lately. It is my deepest desire that God makes beauty out of these ashes I've created. Life should not be about how things are going for me. I have to take the focus off myself and place it on my Father. Words cannot express how thankful I am to Him for this revelation. I need to make Him the center of my life daily regardless of what is going on around me.

"When Thou didst say, 

'Seek my face,'

my heart said to Thee, 

'Thy face, O Lord, I shall seek.'" 

Psalm 27:8

"To provide for those who mourn in Zion;

to give them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,

festive oil instead of mourning,

and splendid clothes instead of despair. 

And they will be called righteous trees,

planted by the LORD,

to glorify Him."

Isaiah 61:3

"My soul, wait in silence for God only, 

for my hope is from Him. 

He only is my rock and my salvation,

my stronghold;

I shall not be shaken. 

On God my salvation and my glory rest;

the rock of my strength,

my refuge is in God. 

Trust in Him at all times, O people;

Pour out your heart before Him;

God is a refuge for us."

Psalm 62:5-8

To Know and Be Known

This weekend was very healing for me. It could not have come at a more perfect time in my life. After struggling through a week full of anxiety and stress, I was looking forward to spending some time with a few of my dearest friends. One of my best friends is getting married in a few short weeks, and we were getting together for her bachelorette party. Even in the midst of all the excitement, I was thrilled to have a few minutes to really talk with some of the girls.

It seems like God has us all struggling with the same things at the same time. Our conversation that night turned to a particular theme several times: there is a difference between knowing someone and really knowing someone. My best friends and I have such a rare connection with one another, yet we find ourselves in completely different cities more often than not. It is so easy to spend time with people and still feel completely alone. Some people would say laughter is the best medicine, but I beg to differ. For me (and I think I also speak for most of my close friends), the best feeling in the world is knowing someone and being known by them.

Sometimes it's hard to have my best friends scattered all over the country. Our time apart makes me appreciate our time together so much more. But I was reminded of something so important at church yesterday morning. No matter how much I miss them, and no matter how rare it is to find someone who wants to truly know me, my Father desires me. He cherishes me. He wants to know every part of me- the good, the bad, and the ugly. That is such a comfort in such a time as this.

Lessons Learned from a Puppy Named Ellie

This week, we got a puppy. Ellie was sweetest, cutest, most precious little puppy you will ever meet. Unfortunately, our dog Gordon didn't think so. After two short days, we had to take her straight back to the adoption agency we got her from. It was simply the best decision for both dogs. 

I wont lie, I could hardly hold it together when I handed her back to the lady at the shelter. I cried my eyes out the second I got back in my car to make the long drive home. It might sound silly, but I already felt so attached to her! I am, admittedly, very tender-hearted towards animals... and this situation was no exception! For months (years, really) I have wanted a puppy. I was so excited when we decided this was the right time for our family to get one. I'd planned to take road trips and visit friends with her before we even picked her up.

It dawned on me today that this grief was a little deeper than being sad to give a puppy up. It related so directly to things I have been struggling with for months now. The whole scenario represented giving up my plans. My mom said something so simple, yet so profound to me today: "I think God had a reason for not letting it work out". Interesting.

In that moment, I realized that while I loved that little puppy, we made the right decision. My sadness was far more about the loss of my vision for the future. God has been trying to break me of my desire to control the future all year. This was simply another opportunity to learn. 

Its hard. I never want this lesson to sound cliche. Though it may seem simple, it is something I wrestle with every day. I am so far from perfect, and I still hand God my to-do list: complete with detailed plans for my life. He never fails to show me that my plans are complete rubbish when compared to His plan for me.

So today, instead of sadness, I am choosing to be thankful for that sweet puppy. Her brief presence in my life was a reminder that sometimes God's ways are not my ways... And when it doesn't work out, He has a reason for it.

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.

And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.

For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so my ways are higher than your ways

and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55:8-9

"Do You Want to Get Well?"

When I left for Colorado two and a half weeks ago, I knew it would be an earth-shaking trip. We'd been planning it for months- deciding which cities to visit, finding condos and cabins, and coming up with activities to do each day. The planning process was so much fun to me! (Imagine that! Ha!) I went on the trip expecting to hear from God. After all, could there be any better place to hear from the Creator of the universe? Somehow I just knew I was going to hear from Him. I halfway expected it in the form of gaining direction in my career search, but what I got instead was far more valuable to me. 

One of the last days we were there, I woke up in an unusually down mood. If you know me well at all, you know it is pretty uncommon for me to feel quiet and sad. It all seemed to start when I woke up crying in the middle of the night. That afternoon, I spent a lot of time reflecting on the many events this year has held so far. To be completely honest, it left me feeling very frustrated. I couldn't figure out why I was having such a hard time with it. I thought God had healed me.

As I was getting ready to go out for the day, I began praying and thinking about the pain I was feeling. In a whisper so loud it was nearly audible I heard, "Daughter, do you want to get well?" I was startled. I generally hear the Lord through a still, small voice. This time, the words I heard were unmistakably His. In fact, Jesus asked the same thing of a man who could not walk (John 5). He knew I wanted it. He knew I wanted it so badly, but I told Him I did anyway. And then... Silence.

I left my room that day feeling discouraged, quiet, and vulnerable. In the days before this one I had been overwhelmed by such a sense of peace. But for some reason, I simply couldn't seem to shake the feeling of heaviness that day. Later on, my family and I decided to take a drive to see if we could spot some wildlife, but we ended up seeing something else. Though it had been cloudy and rainy all day, the sky had turned into a fiery hot pink backdrop to a perfect rainbow. It brought tears to my eyes. 

For years, God has allowed me to see a rainbow when I needed a reminder of His faithfulness the most. If I had been alone, I probably would have wept. Instead, I simply basked in the peace that washed over me for the first time that day, and silently thanked my Creator for that gift to me.

Lessons Learned by an Inexperienced Traveller

The beginning of 2011 marked the beginning of the biggest roller-coaster ride of my life. I didn't know it at the time, but I was getting ready to learn some lessons that were pretty hard to swallow. Here are a few of the things (both hard and not-so-hard) that I have learned so far.

1. When it comes to spaghetti, vodka sauce is really undeniably the best. But for how good it is, it is equally as hard to find one the whole family agrees on.

2. There are some things you just shouldn't say unless you are 100% sure you mean it.

3. For everything there is a season. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

4. Sometimes, God's plan and my plan aren't the same. His plan is always better.

5. When on Accutane, Chapstick, eye drops, and water become your best friend.

6. Sometimes, God wants you to leave when it would be easier to stay.

7. Macs are worth the money. I never thought I'd hear myself say that.
 

8. Never never NEVER pick a canister of grits up by the lid. Never.
 

9. There is no relationship- romantic or otherwise- that is worth losing a friend over.
 

10. God will meet you in the deepest, darkest valleys and carry you through. He is so faithful, and His love is steadfast beyond imagination. (Psalm 13:5-6)
 

11. Amy Grant's song "Takes a Little Time" is right on the money.
 

12. Chacos really ARE as amazing as everyone said... maybe more so.
 

13. My life happens in themes. This season's theme- "God builds into you during the wait" -Mike Harder.
 

14. Ginger tea is liquid magic, and Singer's Saving Grace throat spray absolutely lives up to its name.
 

15a. Be where you are, and be with who you're with. Life is far too valuable to be wasted on half-hearted relationships. 

15b. When your power is out for 6 days, you realize how much the simple things matter.

Five Loaves and Two Fish

Hello, my name is Lindsay and I am a planner.

There, I said it. I plan. I plan everything. I begin planning the route the second I realize I need to run more than one errand in a trip out. I plan my outfits days or even weeks in advance sometimes. I plan everything from what food I will eat for lunch (hours before its lunch time) to what color I will paint my toenails next week.

I've noticed something interesting about planning, though. Things don't always happen the way I have planned them to. You see, I don't only plan simple things like my route when I run errands... Until a few months ago, I had a pretty detailed plan laid out for the rest of my life. If we're being completely honest, my life looks nothing like I thought it was going to.

Don't get me wrong, that is not necessarily a bad thing! God has done MANY things in my life that never would have happened if things had gone the way I decided they should go. On the other hand, I have also mourned the loss of things I did not expect to lose- such as relationships I could not picture my life without. As I was talking with my mom earlier, she reminded me that there are some seasons in our life that we don't immediately see God's purpose for. I'm trying to learn to fully embrace that truth.

At church on Sunday, the message was on our "I don't know moments". For example, Jesus had a crowd of 5000 hungry people surrounding Him, and the disciples didn't know what to do about it. They even suggested that the crowd be sent away to buy their own food. But Jesus had something so much better in mind. He fed them with only five loaves of bread and two fish (Matthew 14:13-21). The disciples had to be willing to ask Jesus for help, and someone had to be willing to give Him all the food they had in order to see what He had in store for them.

Lately, I'm faced with a few "I don't know" situations... most of which are a result of things not going according to my plan. On Sunday, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have to give those situations to Jesus. I have to give it ALL to Him, even my life plan. I don't have a lot, much like the five loaves and two fish. Yet until I surrender it all to Jesus and ask for His help, I will never know what He has in store for me. It may be uncomfortable, but it will be so satisfying to know He's leading me all the way.

3

Yesterday, my mom and I were standing outside the Mac store at the mall discussing what would be the right computer for me when she said the dreaded words... "I don't know, babe. It's up to you."

Up to me? Up to ME? It is no secret that I hate making choices like that. I'd much rather someone say, "This is what you get", and then we go from there. I have no problem telling someone if I want something or not, I just don't like having lots of options. In fact, I have often had conversations with others stating that I'd rather have God send me a letter in the mail with instructions for my life. It would be so much easier that way, wouldn't it?

Needless to say, I love it when God speaks so directly to me that I can't ignore it. It's one of those rare things. Often my lessons are learned through mistakes, trials, or some circumstance out of my control. But today I was thinking through the things I have learned this week, and not only are they clear, they are specific.

The first thing God wants from me is vulnerability. I have a hard time with that sometimes. Expressing my opinion is really not a problem for me, but talking about feelings can be. It is uncomfortable sometimes. Not only that, opening myself up like that can bring outcomes that were both unexpected and unwanted. I'm trying to learn that it really isn't about the outcome I get. Vulnerability leads to deep relationships. I am so thankful I am aware of it, and I'm working on it.

The second thing God wants from me is intentionality. My mom was talking to me about that the other day. You really never know how big of a difference it can make to simply check in on someone, especially if that is something that has been missing in their life. I know I love the feeling when someone I haven't talked to in a while checks in to see how things are going. There are times when that has happened at exactly the moment I needed it, and the other person had no idea. I want to be that for somebody.

The last thing God wants from me surprised me. The previous two are issues I have thought about and dealt with before, but not this one. God wants me to keep my motives in check. At Ethos on Sunday, part of the message was about this very thing. Obedience should flow out of a deep relationship with and knowledge of God. I want everything I do to come from my love and devotion to Christ, not because it will look good to others.
"For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice,
the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings."
-Hosea 6:6

So these are the things God has laid on my heart lately. I hope other people can relate to me on this!

And if you are wondering... While it wasn't spelled out for me, I did make a decision on a computer... I went for the Mac :)

My Prayer in the Battle

If you have talked to me on a deeper level any time recently, you may have heard me say that I finally feel like myself again. As odd as this statement may seem, it is so true. I feel as though I have been away for a long time, and am finally coming back. I am not the kind of person that generally says things like that, and when I do say it, it is with good reason.

You see, the first few months of 2011 were a struggle for me. Perhaps the word "struggle" doesn't do those long months justice... My life was an all-out war. It would be no exaggeration to say that I have never experienced a battle as severe as that one in my entire life. The circumstances of those seemingly endless months caused some serious doubt and confusion. Now don't get me wrong, I never doubted God's sovereignty and goodness. It was quite the contrary- I remember telling one of my good friends that through it all I had seen His faithfulness over and over. Instead, I doubted everyone around me. I doubted those who I believed to be my true friends, which in turn caused me to doubt myself.

I am a very social person. I get unexplainable joy from spending time with other people laughing or having heart-to-hearts. During this season of my life, however, I saw that change in me. Wherever I was- church, class, or Walmart (or anywhere else for that matter)- I just wanted to get in and out as fast as possible. I was filled with a deep, resounding sorrow that I can't even begin to explain. I didn't want to write, as much as I love it. My passion for singing was also diminishing. I was being forced into making choices that I felt I was not yet prepared to make, most of which were lose-lose. I could not even begin to wrap my mind around the things that were happening to me. I just felt lost. There is really no other way to describe it.

I came across a verse the other day which so clearly describes the way I felt:
"I would have despaired
unless I had believed that
I would see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living."
Psalm 27:13

A couple of months ago, one of my professors was talking about that very thing. She said that even in the darkest of valleys, we needed to search for the "gold nugget". This statement deeply moved me and caused me to reflect on my situation. I began to realize that though I had been surrounded by darkness for so long and could not see the next step, my Father was leading me by the hand. For every situation that seemed to be more than I could handle, He gave me the strength I needed. He taught me to trust Him even with the things I couldn't understand a bit. I have learned so much about myself and so much about who God is through that season of my life.

At the time, I was far from thankful for my circumstances. In fact, on multiple occasions I found myself literally telling God "I don't need this!" I felt like I was going through purposeless pain. But looking back, I see the glimmers of hope He gave me. I was able to hold His hand the entire way. I am so thankful for His faithfulness. He has truly brought me through and filled me with such joy and peace.

"I will bless the LORD at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul will make its boast in the LORD;
The humble will hear it and rejoice.
O magnify the LORD with me,
And let us exalt His name together.
I sought the LORD, and He answered me,
And delivered me from all my fears."
Psalm 34:1-4

"He brought me forth also into a broad place;
He rescued me, because He delighted in me."
Psalm 18:19