learning to let go.

i can be so dense at times. it seems that God is constantly trying to show me things, but it takes multiple lessons before i "get it". and even then, i wrestle, i question, and i fail; only to ask my Father to help me learn the lesson again. i want to have the power, i want to know the outcome of a season in my life before i even walk through it. nearly two weeks ago, i came to the realization that i have been utterly consumed with what can only be described as control. its hard to trust sometimes, though it shouldn't be. my Father, the God of the universe, has my best interest at heart. it doesn't always look the way i think it should, but in the end it is always better than i could have imagined.

something in me broke a couple of weeks ago. i was feeling stressed, overwhelmed, and anxious over things i have no control of. in a whisper so clear, i felt God say, "daughter, give it to Me." for the first time in weeks, i willingly handed it to Him. i felt my soul breathe a sigh of relief, and a wave of peace washed over me. even now, sitting in a semi-crowded computer lab, i am tearing up with joy. i don't have to carry it! for the first time in so long, i feel like i can breathe again. i am so thankful to have a Father who walks with me and loves me despite all my shortcomings.

"Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:28-31

change.

its funny to me that the girl who would have turned sheet white at the idea of change a little over a year ago now thrives in it. its true, my life as of late has been in nearly constant transition. i used to be afraid of it. i like to be comfortable, settled, consistent. i like knowing what to expect. God is breaking me of that- and surprise! He did it in the way i least expected. this year He has shaken every aspect of my life. from my career choice to the kinds of food i like, you name it and it's probably changed this year.

i love it. i feel more alive than i have in a very long time. never have i been more surprised by the outcome of my situation, and never have i seen my prayers more directly answered. God works in mysterious ways. i am living, breathing proof of that. God is good. i am living, breathing proof of that as well. i can't wait to see what He has for me in the future.

"whatever your life entails right now-- no matter how far removed it seems from what you expected-- He has annointed you and divinely equipped you to not merely handle it, but to thrive in it." -priscilla shirer

wings like eagles.

i'm in one of those seasons of my life right now. it's a good season, don't get me wrong. but its also stressful, busy, and tiring. i'm being faced with a lot of huge decisions, (many of them dealing with school) and it seems the deadlines are sprinting in my direction. i almost wish i was back in the days where my biggest worry was if God was going to answer my prayers that my parents would let me have a cat. that's a HUGE thing for a seven-year-old, but it has simplicity i would do almost anything for as an confused 21-year-old college student.

i read a passage last week that very literally brought me to tears. God has brought it to my mind quite a few times since then. it reads:
"Do you not know? have you not heard?
The Everlasting God, the Lord,
the creator of the ends of the earth
does not become weary or tired.
His understanding is inscrutable.
He gives strength to the weary,
and to him who lacks might He increases power.
Though youths grow weary and tired,
and vigorous young men stumble badly,
yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength;
they will mount up with wings like eagles,
they will run and not get tired,
they will walk and not become weary." -Isaiah 40:28-31

what an encouragement that has been to me in the last week! now, i won't lie, i was unsure of the meaning of the word "inscrutable". i had an idea of what it meant based on the context, but i looked it up so i could know the exact definition. it means "not easily understood; mysterious; unfathomable". i simply love that my Father's understanding is unfathomable! i'm unendingly thankful for that. it is so awesome to me to know that in the midst of my exhaustion and confusion, God has strength for me.

beauty for ashes.

i am far from perfect. to those who know me well, that comes as no surprise. i am a firm believer that God uses our flaws to show us how we can become more like Him. i am also a firm believer that He can use every single experience in life to make a person into the man or woman He wants them to be. through a couple of brokenhearted prayers and a lot of thought this week, i have discovered that those two things go hand-in-hand in my life right now.

this year has been a tough one... and i won't try to say it hasn't. of course, some wonderful things have happened, and i praise God so much for the blessings He's given me this year. i feel i have grown up a lot and learned a lot about myself. but unfortunately, it hasn't been all roses. some of the experiences i've had this year have been quite devastating. i have come to see the effects of those things recently.

i've become calloused and hardened in some ways, and i never even realised it until now. it breaks my heart to see that. it is my deepest and most sincere prayer that God will give me back the pieces of myself that i lost this year. i pray that He will heal my heart and restore me. i desire so badly for Him to make something beautiful from the ashes i have to offer Him.

more on change.

it seems a little early in the year to write a reflection of how this year has impacted me, but i hardly go a day without thinking about it. i have changed so much in the last 10 months, which i believe was for the better. i feel God growing me up. i feel Him changing my perceptions of things, and teaching me how to love people... mistakes and all. this year i've realized more and more how imperfect i am and how perfect God is. i'm so thankful that He loves me, despite my insecurities, fears, and occasional blatant stupidity. :)

i've witnessed things this year that i never envisioned in my worst nightmares. i have certainly experienced things that i never expected to experience. i've met many people that i am incredibly thankful God allowed me to meet. something about the whole growing process is so awesome to me. it has involved a lot of waiting... i'm still waiting actually. but i read a book recently called "what do you do with your wait?" and one thing stuck out to me more than anything i read in the entire book. the author said "God builds into you during the wait". what an incredible picture to me!! God is using this period of waiting in my life to make me into the woman He wants me to be. I'm incredibly thankful for that.

the deep, beautiful melancholy.

some days i feel like a mess. God's been working a lot on me lately... showing me my shortcomings and pushing me to work on them. in the last couple of weeks, i've come to see things in myself that i'd never paid much attention to before... mostly because it was easier to ignore them. i've allowed myself to become stifled by fear and insecurities that never used to bother me, and that is one of the most painful realizations i have ever had.

on the other hand, there's something beautiful about realizing the areas i fall short in. i can feel God changing parts of me and making me into the person He wants me to be. it is beyond difficult, but He is challenging me to push through my fear and trust Him. changing is very painful, but there is something awesome about it. God uses times like these to draw me closer to Him. it would be easy to become embarrassed of my response to fear lately, but instead i must look at it as God's way of building into me. He has something greater for me than living with reservations because of what could happen. i am so thankful He's showing me that. so now i am praying that He will give me the strength to push through these growing pains and follow Him. i'm praying that He'll give me courage when i'm lacking in it, and wisdom in my future decisions. i trust Him.

you say goodbye, i say hello.

apparently all good things must come to an end. i don't personally believe this is true, but enough people have said it to me in the last couple of weeks that i'm beginning to think i'm in the minority. to me, life is a wild and unpredictable journey with God. portions of the journey end, and others begin. i happen to be at the end of one of the most beautiful, painful, and complex parts of my adventure yet.

as i look back at where i was only three and a half short months ago, i feel like a completely different person. God has blessed me with the privelege of meeting some awesome new people, and i was equally blessed to re-connect with my best friends. some friends have moved far away, and others are (thankfully!) still around. i have also had some incredible time with my family. but the transformation inside of me is nearly indescribable. God has shown me more of who i am and more of who He is. He's shown me more of what i want out of life, and more importantly, what He wants for me.

and i've learned that trusting Him is absolutely necessary in my life. it seems i can't learn that lesson enough. i am so thankful that my Father is in control... His plans are so much better than anything i could ever come up with. i love that He has something to teach me in everything He does. and i love love LOVE being on this journey with Him more than anything in this world.

"uphold me according to Your promises that i may live, and let me not be put to shame in my hope." -psalm 119:116

on a significantly less serious note, i got the new between the trees cd, "spain", in the mail today... its phenominal!! i'm going to livestock tomorrow, and i'm extremely excited about it! :)