Yesterday, my mom and I were standing outside the Mac store at the mall discussing what would be the right computer for me when she said the dreaded words... "I don't know, babe. It's up to you."
Up to me? Up to ME? It is no secret that I hate making choices like that. I'd much rather someone say, "This is what you get", and then we go from there. I have no problem telling someone if I want something or not, I just don't like having lots of options. In fact, I have often had conversations with others stating that I'd rather have God send me a letter in the mail with instructions for my life. It would be so much easier that way, wouldn't it?
Needless to say, I love it when God speaks so directly to me that I can't ignore it. It's one of those rare things. Often my lessons are learned through mistakes, trials, or some circumstance out of my control. But today I was thinking through the things I have learned this week, and not only are they clear, they are specific.
The first thing God wants from me is vulnerability. I have a hard time with that sometimes. Expressing my opinion is really not a problem for me, but talking about feelings can be. It is uncomfortable sometimes. Not only that, opening myself up like that can bring outcomes that were both unexpected and unwanted. I'm trying to learn that it really isn't about the outcome I get. Vulnerability leads to deep relationships. I am so thankful I am aware of it, and I'm working on it.
The second thing God wants from me is intentionality. My mom was talking to me about that the other day. You really never know how big of a difference it can make to simply check in on someone, especially if that is something that has been missing in their life. I know I love the feeling when someone I haven't talked to in a while checks in to see how things are going. There are times when that has happened at exactly the moment I needed it, and the other person had no idea. I want to be that for somebody.
The last thing God wants from me surprised me. The previous two are issues I have thought about and dealt with before, but not this one. God wants me to keep my motives in check. At Ethos on Sunday, part of the message was about this very thing. Obedience should flow out of a deep relationship with and knowledge of God. I want everything I do to come from my love and devotion to Christ, not because it will look good to others.
"For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice,
the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings."
-Hosea 6:6
So these are the things God has laid on my heart lately. I hope other people can relate to me on this!
And if you are wondering... While it wasn't spelled out for me, I did make a decision on a computer... I went for the Mac :)
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
My Prayer in the Battle
If you have talked to me on a deeper level any time recently, you may have heard me say that I finally feel like myself again. As odd as this statement may seem, it is so true. I feel as though I have been away for a long time, and am finally coming back. I am not the kind of person that generally says things like that, and when I do say it, it is with good reason.
You see, the first few months of 2011 were a struggle for me. Perhaps the word "struggle" doesn't do those long months justice... My life was an all-out war. It would be no exaggeration to say that I have never experienced a battle as severe as that one in my entire life. The circumstances of those seemingly endless months caused some serious doubt and confusion. Now don't get me wrong, I never doubted God's sovereignty and goodness. It was quite the contrary- I remember telling one of my good friends that through it all I had seen His faithfulness over and over. Instead, I doubted everyone around me. I doubted those who I believed to be my true friends, which in turn caused me to doubt myself.
I am a very social person. I get unexplainable joy from spending time with other people laughing or having heart-to-hearts. During this season of my life, however, I saw that change in me. Wherever I was- church, class, or Walmart (or anywhere else for that matter)- I just wanted to get in and out as fast as possible. I was filled with a deep, resounding sorrow that I can't even begin to explain. I didn't want to write, as much as I love it. My passion for singing was also diminishing. I was being forced into making choices that I felt I was not yet prepared to make, most of which were lose-lose. I could not even begin to wrap my mind around the things that were happening to me. I just felt lost. There is really no other way to describe it.
I came across a verse the other day which so clearly describes the way I felt:
"I would have despaired
unless I had believed that
I would see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living."
Psalm 27:13
A couple of months ago, one of my professors was talking about that very thing. She said that even in the darkest of valleys, we needed to search for the "gold nugget". This statement deeply moved me and caused me to reflect on my situation. I began to realize that though I had been surrounded by darkness for so long and could not see the next step, my Father was leading me by the hand. For every situation that seemed to be more than I could handle, He gave me the strength I needed. He taught me to trust Him even with the things I couldn't understand a bit. I have learned so much about myself and so much about who God is through that season of my life.
At the time, I was far from thankful for my circumstances. In fact, on multiple occasions I found myself literally telling God "I don't need this!" I felt like I was going through purposeless pain. But looking back, I see the glimmers of hope He gave me. I was able to hold His hand the entire way. I am so thankful for His faithfulness. He has truly brought me through and filled me with such joy and peace.
"I will bless the LORD at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul will make its boast in the LORD;
The humble will hear it and rejoice.
O magnify the LORD with me,
And let us exalt His name together.
I sought the LORD, and He answered me,
And delivered me from all my fears."
Psalm 34:1-4
"He brought me forth also into a broad place;
He rescued me, because He delighted in me."
Psalm 18:19
You see, the first few months of 2011 were a struggle for me. Perhaps the word "struggle" doesn't do those long months justice... My life was an all-out war. It would be no exaggeration to say that I have never experienced a battle as severe as that one in my entire life. The circumstances of those seemingly endless months caused some serious doubt and confusion. Now don't get me wrong, I never doubted God's sovereignty and goodness. It was quite the contrary- I remember telling one of my good friends that through it all I had seen His faithfulness over and over. Instead, I doubted everyone around me. I doubted those who I believed to be my true friends, which in turn caused me to doubt myself.
I am a very social person. I get unexplainable joy from spending time with other people laughing or having heart-to-hearts. During this season of my life, however, I saw that change in me. Wherever I was- church, class, or Walmart (or anywhere else for that matter)- I just wanted to get in and out as fast as possible. I was filled with a deep, resounding sorrow that I can't even begin to explain. I didn't want to write, as much as I love it. My passion for singing was also diminishing. I was being forced into making choices that I felt I was not yet prepared to make, most of which were lose-lose. I could not even begin to wrap my mind around the things that were happening to me. I just felt lost. There is really no other way to describe it.
I came across a verse the other day which so clearly describes the way I felt:
"I would have despaired
unless I had believed that
I would see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living."
Psalm 27:13
A couple of months ago, one of my professors was talking about that very thing. She said that even in the darkest of valleys, we needed to search for the "gold nugget". This statement deeply moved me and caused me to reflect on my situation. I began to realize that though I had been surrounded by darkness for so long and could not see the next step, my Father was leading me by the hand. For every situation that seemed to be more than I could handle, He gave me the strength I needed. He taught me to trust Him even with the things I couldn't understand a bit. I have learned so much about myself and so much about who God is through that season of my life.
At the time, I was far from thankful for my circumstances. In fact, on multiple occasions I found myself literally telling God "I don't need this!" I felt like I was going through purposeless pain. But looking back, I see the glimmers of hope He gave me. I was able to hold His hand the entire way. I am so thankful for His faithfulness. He has truly brought me through and filled me with such joy and peace.
"I will bless the LORD at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul will make its boast in the LORD;
The humble will hear it and rejoice.
O magnify the LORD with me,
And let us exalt His name together.
I sought the LORD, and He answered me,
And delivered me from all my fears."
Psalm 34:1-4
"He brought me forth also into a broad place;
He rescued me, because He delighted in me."
Psalm 18:19
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