When I was a kid, I wanted to be a detective. My brother and I spent many an afternoon "spying" on people and taking notes about it. We would watch anyone! I clearly remember spying on my neighbor one afternoon and making a note of how weird it was that he was planting flowers in March. I even had an entire backpack full of my "spy gear" (which was really a bunch of useless junk).
As funny as it is to think about my childhood ambitions, I still find myself playing detective sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I don't hide in the bushes in my backyard watching my neighbors plant flowers anymore. I do, however, want to know why things happen. I find myself constantly trying to figure out what I can learn from my circumstances. If things go badly, I want to know the reason. I want to know if there was something I can do differently in the future. More times than not, I can figure out what God was trying to teach me.
I think the real conflict arises when I cannot figure out the purpose of events in my life. You know, those times when you ask God "why?" over and over and over again, but nothing makes sense. I want to learn something about myself at the very least. I want to grow and change and come a little bit closer to being the woman God wants me to be.
Lately I have been wrestling with some situations that are out of my control (surprise surprise). But not only are they out of my control, I can't seem to get anything out of them. The other day, my mom suggested to me that these events may have actually happened for someone else. Maybe there wasn't necessarily anything for me to learn. That has been such a hard pill for me to swallow. I feel so selfish for struggling with that! I want things to fit in my nice, neat little boxes so badly.
The bottom line is this: I'm discovering that I may not always understand God's reasoning. As hard as that may be, I have to trust Him. I have to believe that He has a purpose. I have to be willing to give up my need to understand everything. That is SO hard for me, but I'm working on it.
