beauty for ashes.

i am far from perfect. to those who know me well, that comes as no surprise. i am a firm believer that God uses our flaws to show us how we can become more like Him. i am also a firm believer that He can use every single experience in life to make a person into the man or woman He wants them to be. through a couple of brokenhearted prayers and a lot of thought this week, i have discovered that those two things go hand-in-hand in my life right now.

this year has been a tough one... and i won't try to say it hasn't. of course, some wonderful things have happened, and i praise God so much for the blessings He's given me this year. i feel i have grown up a lot and learned a lot about myself. but unfortunately, it hasn't been all roses. some of the experiences i've had this year have been quite devastating. i have come to see the effects of those things recently.

i've become calloused and hardened in some ways, and i never even realised it until now. it breaks my heart to see that. it is my deepest and most sincere prayer that God will give me back the pieces of myself that i lost this year. i pray that He will heal my heart and restore me. i desire so badly for Him to make something beautiful from the ashes i have to offer Him.

more on change.

it seems a little early in the year to write a reflection of how this year has impacted me, but i hardly go a day without thinking about it. i have changed so much in the last 10 months, which i believe was for the better. i feel God growing me up. i feel Him changing my perceptions of things, and teaching me how to love people... mistakes and all. this year i've realized more and more how imperfect i am and how perfect God is. i'm so thankful that He loves me, despite my insecurities, fears, and occasional blatant stupidity. :)

i've witnessed things this year that i never envisioned in my worst nightmares. i have certainly experienced things that i never expected to experience. i've met many people that i am incredibly thankful God allowed me to meet. something about the whole growing process is so awesome to me. it has involved a lot of waiting... i'm still waiting actually. but i read a book recently called "what do you do with your wait?" and one thing stuck out to me more than anything i read in the entire book. the author said "God builds into you during the wait". what an incredible picture to me!! God is using this period of waiting in my life to make me into the woman He wants me to be. I'm incredibly thankful for that.

the deep, beautiful melancholy.

some days i feel like a mess. God's been working a lot on me lately... showing me my shortcomings and pushing me to work on them. in the last couple of weeks, i've come to see things in myself that i'd never paid much attention to before... mostly because it was easier to ignore them. i've allowed myself to become stifled by fear and insecurities that never used to bother me, and that is one of the most painful realizations i have ever had.

on the other hand, there's something beautiful about realizing the areas i fall short in. i can feel God changing parts of me and making me into the person He wants me to be. it is beyond difficult, but He is challenging me to push through my fear and trust Him. changing is very painful, but there is something awesome about it. God uses times like these to draw me closer to Him. it would be easy to become embarrassed of my response to fear lately, but instead i must look at it as God's way of building into me. He has something greater for me than living with reservations because of what could happen. i am so thankful He's showing me that. so now i am praying that He will give me the strength to push through these growing pains and follow Him. i'm praying that He'll give me courage when i'm lacking in it, and wisdom in my future decisions. i trust Him.

you say goodbye, i say hello.

apparently all good things must come to an end. i don't personally believe this is true, but enough people have said it to me in the last couple of weeks that i'm beginning to think i'm in the minority. to me, life is a wild and unpredictable journey with God. portions of the journey end, and others begin. i happen to be at the end of one of the most beautiful, painful, and complex parts of my adventure yet.

as i look back at where i was only three and a half short months ago, i feel like a completely different person. God has blessed me with the privelege of meeting some awesome new people, and i was equally blessed to re-connect with my best friends. some friends have moved far away, and others are (thankfully!) still around. i have also had some incredible time with my family. but the transformation inside of me is nearly indescribable. God has shown me more of who i am and more of who He is. He's shown me more of what i want out of life, and more importantly, what He wants for me.

and i've learned that trusting Him is absolutely necessary in my life. it seems i can't learn that lesson enough. i am so thankful that my Father is in control... His plans are so much better than anything i could ever come up with. i love that He has something to teach me in everything He does. and i love love LOVE being on this journey with Him more than anything in this world.

"uphold me according to Your promises that i may live, and let me not be put to shame in my hope." -psalm 119:116

on a significantly less serious note, i got the new between the trees cd, "spain", in the mail today... its phenominal!! i'm going to livestock tomorrow, and i'm extremely excited about it! :)

oh how He loves us.

unless you have seen a man die... actually, allow me to rephrase. unless you have seen a man take his own life in a public place, you cannot understand the effect it has on the lives of those present.
a blog, however, is not the place to share this kind of story. no, it should be told over coffee, or on a comfortable couch. somewhere that emotions can be felt deeply and communicated personally.

but i've begun to understand the effects of such a tragedy. it happened almost immediately after beginning the journey through a series of trials that would make most people want to stay locked up in their rooms. i can't say that i understand the purpose for witnessing it, because i don't. but i know God has a perfect reason.

i do know, however, where it left me. it left me in a place of worry and fear; subconsciously consumed by wondering what would happen next. every time my phone rang, i considered ignoring the call. every time i received a text, i considered not reading it. and yes, even every time i received a facebook message, i considered not opening it. i just didn't want to hear it. i didn't want to know about another situation that was falling apart.
i came to the understanding today that my fear was a result of the incident my mom and i witnessed on march 7th, which caused me to understand something else. don't get me wrong, i haven't doubted that God loves me, but today in church we sang a song about how much He loves us. it's intense. it's radical. it's mind blowing. the God who created the entire universe loves me richer than i will ever be loved by any person in my lifetime. i don't have to fear what each day will hold, because my Father has my best interest at heart.
does this mean i'll always understand? absolutely not. and it doesn't mean that the incident will no longer effect me, either. but it does mean that no matter what i'm faced with, i can hold my Father's hand and trust Him to lead me through it. He loves me.

"Therefore the LORD longs to be gracious to you,
And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you
For the LORD is a God of justice;
How blessed are all those who long for Him.
O people in Zion, inhabitant in Jerusalem, you will weep no longer.
He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry;
when He hears it, He will answer you.
Although the Lord has given you bread of privation and water of oppression,
He, your Teacher will no longer hide Himself,
but your eyes will behold your Teacher.
Your ears will hear a word behind you,
"This is the way, walk in it,"
whenever you turn to the right or to the left."
Isaiah 30:18-21

like the dragonfly's wings need the wind.

i came to a rather startling realization just the other day...
i need God.
i NEED Him.
not that this is something i've never thought of before, but it just hit me how desperately, constantly, deeply, i need Him.
i can't get through a single day without Him. i can't make a single decision without Him. i certainly can't imagine how empty my life would be if i was living it alone. i'm safe with Him. it is amazing to think about having someone who unconditionally loves me, and is willing to walk every step of my life with me.
i realized how big of a theme that has been in my prayer life lately, and it blew me away. i can't bear the thought of my life without my Father.

because i've noticed this recurring theme, i felt it only appropriate to choose my verse for 2009 around it. so i did some reading and praying, and this is what i came up with...
"my soul, wait in silence for God only,
for my hope is from Him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my stronghold; i shall not be shaken.
on God my salvation and my glory rest;
the rock of my strength,
my refuge is in God.
trust in Him at all times, o people;
pour out your hearts before Him;
God is a refuge for us."
psalm 62:5-8

i have no idea what God has for me this year. none whatsoever. but i'm going to trust that my Father knows what He's doing.
He's in control, and i'm thrilled.