you say goodbye, i say hello.

apparently all good things must come to an end. i don't personally believe this is true, but enough people have said it to me in the last couple of weeks that i'm beginning to think i'm in the minority. to me, life is a wild and unpredictable journey with God. portions of the journey end, and others begin. i happen to be at the end of one of the most beautiful, painful, and complex parts of my adventure yet.

as i look back at where i was only three and a half short months ago, i feel like a completely different person. God has blessed me with the privelege of meeting some awesome new people, and i was equally blessed to re-connect with my best friends. some friends have moved far away, and others are (thankfully!) still around. i have also had some incredible time with my family. but the transformation inside of me is nearly indescribable. God has shown me more of who i am and more of who He is. He's shown me more of what i want out of life, and more importantly, what He wants for me.

and i've learned that trusting Him is absolutely necessary in my life. it seems i can't learn that lesson enough. i am so thankful that my Father is in control... His plans are so much better than anything i could ever come up with. i love that He has something to teach me in everything He does. and i love love LOVE being on this journey with Him more than anything in this world.

"uphold me according to Your promises that i may live, and let me not be put to shame in my hope." -psalm 119:116

on a significantly less serious note, i got the new between the trees cd, "spain", in the mail today... its phenominal!! i'm going to livestock tomorrow, and i'm extremely excited about it! :)

oh how He loves us.

unless you have seen a man die... actually, allow me to rephrase. unless you have seen a man take his own life in a public place, you cannot understand the effect it has on the lives of those present.
a blog, however, is not the place to share this kind of story. no, it should be told over coffee, or on a comfortable couch. somewhere that emotions can be felt deeply and communicated personally.

but i've begun to understand the effects of such a tragedy. it happened almost immediately after beginning the journey through a series of trials that would make most people want to stay locked up in their rooms. i can't say that i understand the purpose for witnessing it, because i don't. but i know God has a perfect reason.

i do know, however, where it left me. it left me in a place of worry and fear; subconsciously consumed by wondering what would happen next. every time my phone rang, i considered ignoring the call. every time i received a text, i considered not reading it. and yes, even every time i received a facebook message, i considered not opening it. i just didn't want to hear it. i didn't want to know about another situation that was falling apart.
i came to the understanding today that my fear was a result of the incident my mom and i witnessed on march 7th, which caused me to understand something else. don't get me wrong, i haven't doubted that God loves me, but today in church we sang a song about how much He loves us. it's intense. it's radical. it's mind blowing. the God who created the entire universe loves me richer than i will ever be loved by any person in my lifetime. i don't have to fear what each day will hold, because my Father has my best interest at heart.
does this mean i'll always understand? absolutely not. and it doesn't mean that the incident will no longer effect me, either. but it does mean that no matter what i'm faced with, i can hold my Father's hand and trust Him to lead me through it. He loves me.

"Therefore the LORD longs to be gracious to you,
And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you
For the LORD is a God of justice;
How blessed are all those who long for Him.
O people in Zion, inhabitant in Jerusalem, you will weep no longer.
He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry;
when He hears it, He will answer you.
Although the Lord has given you bread of privation and water of oppression,
He, your Teacher will no longer hide Himself,
but your eyes will behold your Teacher.
Your ears will hear a word behind you,
"This is the way, walk in it,"
whenever you turn to the right or to the left."
Isaiah 30:18-21

like the dragonfly's wings need the wind.

i came to a rather startling realization just the other day...
i need God.
i NEED Him.
not that this is something i've never thought of before, but it just hit me how desperately, constantly, deeply, i need Him.
i can't get through a single day without Him. i can't make a single decision without Him. i certainly can't imagine how empty my life would be if i was living it alone. i'm safe with Him. it is amazing to think about having someone who unconditionally loves me, and is willing to walk every step of my life with me.
i realized how big of a theme that has been in my prayer life lately, and it blew me away. i can't bear the thought of my life without my Father.

because i've noticed this recurring theme, i felt it only appropriate to choose my verse for 2009 around it. so i did some reading and praying, and this is what i came up with...
"my soul, wait in silence for God only,
for my hope is from Him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my stronghold; i shall not be shaken.
on God my salvation and my glory rest;
the rock of my strength,
my refuge is in God.
trust in Him at all times, o people;
pour out your hearts before Him;
God is a refuge for us."
psalm 62:5-8

i have no idea what God has for me this year. none whatsoever. but i'm going to trust that my Father knows what He's doing.
He's in control, and i'm thrilled.

thankfulness. agradecimiento. reconnaissance.

i can't count how many times this week i have heard someone say "i can't wait for this semester to be over!" and i can totally relate. it's hard to remain in a constant state of sleep-deprivation and stress; worrying about financial aid, grades, and deadlines. then, if you pile relationships on top of all that (which is a must haha), it really seems overwhelming.

in the world of facebook stalking, i noticed that a few of my friends statuses read "_______ is ready for this year to be over" and i was bothered by that. i have come to realise in the last few days how incredibly valuable our time really is. i stand amazed by how unique each of our experiences are. i have a life story that would probably fill up a good number of pages if i were to write it out. but so do you. and so does my best friend. and so does my boyfriend. and so does my mom. everyone does!

and that leaves me absolutely speechless at the creativity of the Creator of our universe. He is a beautiful author. life has ups and downs and twists and turns. and He has carefully written each one of them in the storybook of our lives. He uses the different circumstances and experiences we have to draw us closer to Him, as well as each other. He uses each and every little detail to make us into who we are, and who He wants us to become. He has written a story for every person who was alive, is already alive, and will be alive. that takes an unfathomable amount of creativity!

my point in saying all of this is pretty simple. it's november, and thanksgiving is coming up. for whatever reason, someone decided that thanksgiving is the only day out of the year we should be thankful... and that's wrong. as i've learned lately, this life God has given me is something to be thankful for all the time. even if something is going wrong. even if things aren't going according to my plan. (which is dumb to even bother having. haha) my Father is teaching me things daily, drawing me closer to Him daily, and is writing every second of my days to make me into the woman He wants me to be. i find that to be beautiful, personal, and very Him.

"many, o Lord my God are the wonders which You have done,

and Your thoughts towards us;

there is none to compare with You;

if i would declare and speak of them,

they would be too numerous to count."

Psalm 40:5

"i will bless the Lord at all times;

His praise shall continually be in my mouth,

my soul shall make its boast in the Lord;

the humble shall hear it and rejoice.

o magnify the Lord with me,

and let us exalt His name together."

Psalm 34:1-3

God is good. That's it.

Psalm 121:1-8

I raise my eyes toward the mountains.
Where will my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
The Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to slip;
Your Protector will not slumber.
Indeed, the Protector of Israel
Does not slumber or sleep.
The Lord protects you;
The Lord is a shelter right by your side.
The sun will not strike you by day,
Or the moon by night.
The Lord will protect you from all harm;
He will protect your life.
The Lord will protect your coming and going
Both now and forever.

forgiveness.

i am learning how to forgive.

that seems like such a simple concept, and it really should be. but unfortunately, for some such as myself, it is not. now, i'm not talking about the kind of forgiveness where whoever has offended you apologizes and never does it again. i'm not even talking about the kind where they apologize and continue to do it. i'm talking about the kind of forgiveness that involves an unjust act done multiple times, and never apologized for, or even acknowledged. that is where the difficulty lies.

without getting into too many details, i have grown up in a family where one person's sin and decisions have effected everybody else.

this is an issue in my life that has caused me a lot of heartache, and sadly, a lot of unforgiveness.

and i'm sick of it.

unforgiveness is a miserable thing to live with.

i recently read the shack. now without giving away too many details, i will first of all say that it is an amazing book, and if you haven't read it, go read it NOW. :) it shaped me in a way i didn't completely expect. i learned that forgiveness is not done for the person i'm forgiving, it is done for myself and my relationship to God and others.

will i still be angry sometimes? yes.

will i still get frustrated? of course.

will it still hurt at times? sure.

but i think the unforgiveness hurts worse than the offense.

a man spoke last night at a special service at school, and talked about forgiveness for a bit. he mentioned that Jesus, even when he was beaten to the point of nonrecognition, forgave the men who were crucifying Him.

"When they got to the place called Skull Hill, they crucified Him, along with the criminals, one on His right, and one on His left. Jesus prayed, 'Father forgive them; they don't know what they're doing.'" -Luke 23:33-34 (the message)

what an unbelievable thought. they didn't apologize! in fact, the soldiers were casting lots for Jesus' clothes.

forgiveness, as i am learning, is a process, not an event. i'm realizing how freeing it is now that i am working on it. i have finally figured out that i don't need to wait for an apology in order to forgive, because i may never get one. by forgiving, God will free me. hallelujah.

a little less like myself.

so i made the ultimate decision to write a couple of seperate blogs to describe the things God is doing inside of me these days. that way, there aren't a million different ideas all in one entry. :)

those who know me very well have most likely heard this story from me at least one time... maybe even two or three... sorry. it still stands out in my mind. :)

this summer, i took a job that was way outside my comfort zone. i felt that God was calling me away from a place i'd worked for three years, and He provided me with a new job that was a little scarier, bigger, and more demanding than the previous one. (all of which could be a completely seperate blog on it's own. ha) i didn't stay there for very long, but in the time i was there, God revealed something huge to me.

i did a favor for one of my co-workers, who we will call Rob for privacy's sake. ;) Rob promised me that he would do anything in return. i wish i could say that my attitude was perfect about the favor i did for him, but it was definitely not. a week or so later, i realized that i was scheduled to work the day i was to move into my dorm. to make a very long story short (or at least shortER), Rob went completely out of his way to help me find someone to take my shift..... i asked him if he had any ideas of who might want it, fully expecting him to just list off names of people who weren't scheduled that day or who were in need of hours. (which was totally fine. that would have been an enormous help to me.) instead, he proceeded to call people for me, and even arrive at work early to ask if anyone would like to work for me.....

and i didn't even ask him to.

what?

it was through that experience that God showed me a flaw of mine. if someone had asked me for suggestions of people who would work for me, what would my initial reaction have been? certainly, and unfortunately, not that.

that day, God began a work in me that is still going on to this day. He showed me that maybe, just maybe, i needed to be a little more like Rob, and a little less like me. my natural reaction should be to put others in front of myself, and go out of my way to serve them. and that's something He is still working with me on daily.