My Prayer in the Battle

If you have talked to me on a deeper level any time recently, you may have heard me say that I finally feel like myself again. As odd as this statement may seem, it is so true. I feel as though I have been away for a long time, and am finally coming back. I am not the kind of person that generally says things like that, and when I do say it, it is with good reason.

You see, the first few months of 2011 were a struggle for me. Perhaps the word "struggle" doesn't do those long months justice... My life was an all-out war. It would be no exaggeration to say that I have never experienced a battle as severe as that one in my entire life. The circumstances of those seemingly endless months caused some serious doubt and confusion. Now don't get me wrong, I never doubted God's sovereignty and goodness. It was quite the contrary- I remember telling one of my good friends that through it all I had seen His faithfulness over and over. Instead, I doubted everyone around me. I doubted those who I believed to be my true friends, which in turn caused me to doubt myself.

I am a very social person. I get unexplainable joy from spending time with other people laughing or having heart-to-hearts. During this season of my life, however, I saw that change in me. Wherever I was- church, class, or Walmart (or anywhere else for that matter)- I just wanted to get in and out as fast as possible. I was filled with a deep, resounding sorrow that I can't even begin to explain. I didn't want to write, as much as I love it. My passion for singing was also diminishing. I was being forced into making choices that I felt I was not yet prepared to make, most of which were lose-lose. I could not even begin to wrap my mind around the things that were happening to me. I just felt lost. There is really no other way to describe it.

I came across a verse the other day which so clearly describes the way I felt:
"I would have despaired
unless I had believed that
I would see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living."
Psalm 27:13

A couple of months ago, one of my professors was talking about that very thing. She said that even in the darkest of valleys, we needed to search for the "gold nugget". This statement deeply moved me and caused me to reflect on my situation. I began to realize that though I had been surrounded by darkness for so long and could not see the next step, my Father was leading me by the hand. For every situation that seemed to be more than I could handle, He gave me the strength I needed. He taught me to trust Him even with the things I couldn't understand a bit. I have learned so much about myself and so much about who God is through that season of my life.

At the time, I was far from thankful for my circumstances. In fact, on multiple occasions I found myself literally telling God "I don't need this!" I felt like I was going through purposeless pain. But looking back, I see the glimmers of hope He gave me. I was able to hold His hand the entire way. I am so thankful for His faithfulness. He has truly brought me through and filled me with such joy and peace.

"I will bless the LORD at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul will make its boast in the LORD;
The humble will hear it and rejoice.
O magnify the LORD with me,
And let us exalt His name together.
I sought the LORD, and He answered me,
And delivered me from all my fears."
Psalm 34:1-4

"He brought me forth also into a broad place;
He rescued me, because He delighted in me."
Psalm 18:19

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

...with little or nothing in between.

i'm not really sure what it is about this time of year that makes me reflect so much. perhaps its the feeling of closing a chapter and opening a new one- a year full of blank pages to fill with precious time with the Lord, family, adventures, unfamiliar experiences, and both new and old friends. as i look back on this year, i can honestly say that my life looks nothing like i thought it would. i've had experiences i never dreamed i would have. i have tried things i never thought i would be interested in trying. i have relationships that i honestly wouldn't trade anything in the world for. most importantly, i have learned so much about who i am and who God is. He has shown me over and over how perfect He is and how much He loves me despite my imperfection.

in the past, i have dedicated a verse for the upcoming year, but i didn't choose one at the beginning of 2010. however, when i look back on the year, i recognize the verse that has been the theme of it:

"now to Him who is able to do exceeding abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us." -ephesians 3:20 (nasb)

i have honestly prayed that verse nearly every day this year, and i have seen God do exceeding abundantly beyond all i could ask or think over and over again.

i have no idea what the Lord has in store for me in 2011, but i can't wait to find out. this year has been the craziest, most up-and-down year of my life and there has been very little in between the highs and lows. but my Father has held my hand the entire way. so perhaps i should rephrase my previous statement. it was the best of times, it was the worst of times, with little or nothing in between... and my God is bigger than all of it.

learning to let go.

i can be so dense at times. it seems that God is constantly trying to show me things, but it takes multiple lessons before i "get it". and even then, i wrestle, i question, and i fail; only to ask my Father to help me learn the lesson again. i want to have the power, i want to know the outcome of a season in my life before i even walk through it. nearly two weeks ago, i came to the realization that i have been utterly consumed with what can only be described as control. its hard to trust sometimes, though it shouldn't be. my Father, the God of the universe, has my best interest at heart. it doesn't always look the way i think it should, but in the end it is always better than i could have imagined.

something in me broke a couple of weeks ago. i was feeling stressed, overwhelmed, and anxious over things i have no control of. in a whisper so clear, i felt God say, "daughter, give it to Me." for the first time in weeks, i willingly handed it to Him. i felt my soul breathe a sigh of relief, and a wave of peace washed over me. even now, sitting in a semi-crowded computer lab, i am tearing up with joy. i don't have to carry it! for the first time in so long, i feel like i can breathe again. i am so thankful to have a Father who walks with me and loves me despite all my shortcomings.

"Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:28-31

change.

its funny to me that the girl who would have turned sheet white at the idea of change a little over a year ago now thrives in it. its true, my life as of late has been in nearly constant transition. i used to be afraid of it. i like to be comfortable, settled, consistent. i like knowing what to expect. God is breaking me of that- and surprise! He did it in the way i least expected. this year He has shaken every aspect of my life. from my career choice to the kinds of food i like, you name it and it's probably changed this year.

i love it. i feel more alive than i have in a very long time. never have i been more surprised by the outcome of my situation, and never have i seen my prayers more directly answered. God works in mysterious ways. i am living, breathing proof of that. God is good. i am living, breathing proof of that as well. i can't wait to see what He has for me in the future.

"whatever your life entails right now-- no matter how far removed it seems from what you expected-- He has annointed you and divinely equipped you to not merely handle it, but to thrive in it." -priscilla shirer

wings like eagles.

i'm in one of those seasons of my life right now. it's a good season, don't get me wrong. but its also stressful, busy, and tiring. i'm being faced with a lot of huge decisions, (many of them dealing with school) and it seems the deadlines are sprinting in my direction. i almost wish i was back in the days where my biggest worry was if God was going to answer my prayers that my parents would let me have a cat. that's a HUGE thing for a seven-year-old, but it has simplicity i would do almost anything for as an confused 21-year-old college student.

i read a passage last week that very literally brought me to tears. God has brought it to my mind quite a few times since then. it reads:
"Do you not know? have you not heard?
The Everlasting God, the Lord,
the creator of the ends of the earth
does not become weary or tired.
His understanding is inscrutable.
He gives strength to the weary,
and to him who lacks might He increases power.
Though youths grow weary and tired,
and vigorous young men stumble badly,
yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength;
they will mount up with wings like eagles,
they will run and not get tired,
they will walk and not become weary." -Isaiah 40:28-31

what an encouragement that has been to me in the last week! now, i won't lie, i was unsure of the meaning of the word "inscrutable". i had an idea of what it meant based on the context, but i looked it up so i could know the exact definition. it means "not easily understood; mysterious; unfathomable". i simply love that my Father's understanding is unfathomable! i'm unendingly thankful for that. it is so awesome to me to know that in the midst of my exhaustion and confusion, God has strength for me.

beauty for ashes.

i am far from perfect. to those who know me well, that comes as no surprise. i am a firm believer that God uses our flaws to show us how we can become more like Him. i am also a firm believer that He can use every single experience in life to make a person into the man or woman He wants them to be. through a couple of brokenhearted prayers and a lot of thought this week, i have discovered that those two things go hand-in-hand in my life right now.

this year has been a tough one... and i won't try to say it hasn't. of course, some wonderful things have happened, and i praise God so much for the blessings He's given me this year. i feel i have grown up a lot and learned a lot about myself. but unfortunately, it hasn't been all roses. some of the experiences i've had this year have been quite devastating. i have come to see the effects of those things recently.

i've become calloused and hardened in some ways, and i never even realised it until now. it breaks my heart to see that. it is my deepest and most sincere prayer that God will give me back the pieces of myself that i lost this year. i pray that He will heal my heart and restore me. i desire so badly for Him to make something beautiful from the ashes i have to offer Him.

more on change.

it seems a little early in the year to write a reflection of how this year has impacted me, but i hardly go a day without thinking about it. i have changed so much in the last 10 months, which i believe was for the better. i feel God growing me up. i feel Him changing my perceptions of things, and teaching me how to love people... mistakes and all. this year i've realized more and more how imperfect i am and how perfect God is. i'm so thankful that He loves me, despite my insecurities, fears, and occasional blatant stupidity. :)

i've witnessed things this year that i never envisioned in my worst nightmares. i have certainly experienced things that i never expected to experience. i've met many people that i am incredibly thankful God allowed me to meet. something about the whole growing process is so awesome to me. it has involved a lot of waiting... i'm still waiting actually. but i read a book recently called "what do you do with your wait?" and one thing stuck out to me more than anything i read in the entire book. the author said "God builds into you during the wait". what an incredible picture to me!! God is using this period of waiting in my life to make me into the woman He wants me to be. I'm incredibly thankful for that.